For a long time I lived with the belief that conflicts are useless. Why all this tension at all, when you can just slowly think it over, make decisions and not find out anything with other people? I didn’t find the answer right away, but I found it: because the accumulated tension will somehow find a way out. For example, that I would leave people who were dear to me, simply because I was afraid of conflict with them. Why was it important for me to avoid conflicts? Paradoxically, I think it’s out of fear of losing the relationship. After all, if you quarrel, you can quarrel forever. The last statement is of course not true, but somewhere deep I still experience it. What does avoiding conflicts lead to? To suppress yourself, to silence your needs. Well, the result is a violent expression of aggression in the end or leaving the relationship. Why is conflict needed? Conflict is needed precisely to express oneself and learn about the other. Let you know about those needs that have not been discussed before or have appeared quite recently 😌 Find out what needs your partner has 😌 See how things are going with your boundaries. Perhaps your partner violated them where you are no longer comfortable 😌 Finding out about the boundaries of another - perhaps you are already where he is not okay 😌 Well, the most important thing for me is to express those feelings that have long been asking to come out. Well, give this opportunity to your partner. I would like to add a couple of important statements to this ode to conflicts: ✅ Conflicts are inevitable. There are no ideal people and partners, there are disagreements, tensions, disagreements, and they are normal ✅ A conflict can become a point of growth for its participants and the development of relationships. After all, the more informed we are (about each other’s needs, boundaries and feelings), the better our decisions will be. However, it often happens that there are conflicts, but there is no development of relationships. It seems like we expressed everything we wanted, shouted a lot, but after a while we shout about the same thing. Why does this happen? Because the main task of the conflict - information - was not implemented, and the work after it was not done. For example, the partner was not heard. I was not heard. And as a result, we didn’t learn anything new about each other. Therefore, the scenario that we are losing is doomed to be repeated. And our not always true beliefs about how things should be remain as they were. This usually happens when the behavior of one or both participants is filled with conflictogens. Conflictogens are words, gestures, facial expressions, actions or, conversely, inactions that fuel conflict and ill will. Its opposite is synton - actions, words, non-verbal signals aimed at reducing conflict and increasing goodwill. Today we will deal with the first, and next time with the second. What adds fuel to the fire of conflict, prevents us from hearing each other? There are a lot of conflict generators there are many, but they can be reduced to two large groups. The first group includes non-acceptance of another and attempts to control him: 😡 Accusations and reproaches 😡 Manipulation - attempts to force a person to do or feel something indirectly 😡 Expressed non-acceptance of a partner and attempts to change him 😡 Negative assessment😡 Demands and orders😡Condescending or parental tone😡 Interrogation😡Use of should phrases: you must, you must, you can’t, you must, you should, etc.😡Advice that was not asked I included forms of careless communication in the second group and disrespect: 😡 Refine and mimicing 😡 The use of nicknames and nicknames, ridicule and mockery and replacement of the topic 😡 Irdated and aggressive toneful 😡 Trying to challenge the words of the other 😡 is a deed of all, the accent on yourself ’and concealing an important information 😡 Distancing 😡 Offenses 😡 Avoiding or chatting up an important topic 😡 Shifting all responsibility to another 😡 Taking all responsibility upon oneself I would like to urge you not to demonize conflictogens. If we use them, it means they are needed for something. And don’t scold yourself for the fact that they were, are and will be in our lives. However?