From the author: Published on my blog “Thinking errors or conversations for awareness” In previous articles (“Why do we turn to psychologists, take psychological courses and trainings?” and “Three reasons for which we turn to specialists, Teachers and Masters”), we noted that more often the tension arises not on the event, but on our interpretation of this event. Moreover, this is one of the main reasons for the tension that we experience. The interesting thing is that we all know about this, but we constantly fall for this “bait.” Let's see how this happens using the example of a sketch from the course “Development of Conscious Attention.” “I don’t like it when my daughter doesn’t pick up the phone, I start to stress myself out to worry. - Think and write what could be the reasons why your daughter doesn’t pick up the phone. Write whatever comes to mind. - There are few of them: he doesn’t hear, he ignores, something happened. There is a fact: the mother calls, the daughter does not answer the phone. The first is that he doesn’t hear. Actions: I’ll call you back later, write an SMS. The second is ignoring. This is where a huge field appears for experiencing tension and strengthening it with accusations and feelings of guilt. The word mixer started: “how can she, I’m worried, I’ve done so much for her, and she...” and everything in the same spirit. As a result, the state is such that you don’t know what to do with yourself. And when the daughter comes home, everything that has accumulated during this time “falls out” on the daughter. Who came up with the idea? Mother. Who is guilty? Daughter. Isn't it a very interesting arrangement? Question: Will the daughter want to answer the phone when her mother calls to hear her dissatisfied voice? Actions: I stress myself out, remember instances of my daughter’s ingratitude and inattention, lash out at my daughter, and destroy my relationship with my daughter. The third is “something happened.” This is generally a huge field for creating tension. The pictures that will be drawn in your head will turn out to be one more terrible than the other. The tension is high, a scandal with your daughter and a sleepless night are guaranteed. Actions: I draw the most terrible pictures of what could happen, the fear of the consequences of these pictures leads to a nervous breakdown, I can’t sleep, I take sedatives, I take my condition out on my daughter. In other words, whatever interpretation of the event we choose, this is the state we will get. I think each of us is a master at creating this tension. The unsatisfied desire (for the daughter to respond immediately) created tension. And then comes our creativity to strengthen it. There is another interesting feature: there is “I want”, and there is “in what way should this want be realized”. There is a desire in its purest form - the need for the daughter to know where, with whom and how she spends time (this is called control). And in what way this “I want” should be realized, this is something that you can work with. Most often, we choose the way to “force the other” to do as we want: I’m worried about you (I’m feeling stressed), so tell me where you are so that I don’t worry. Well, or simply the requirement that our daughter keep us informed of her movements all the time. This is a path of constant tension: dependent on the behavior of others. The second way is when our relationship with our daughter is so close that the daughter herself shares with us where, with whom, and for how long she will go for a walk. But this is internal work on yourself: trusting your daughter and accepting her choice. Either you get “stressed” and look for ways to relieve that tension, or you choose to interact in ways where tension doesn’t arise. An example of a constructive solution of the “force someone else” type. A sketch from the course “Development of Conscious Attention”: - On Monday, my daughter came late, my wife spoke in a raised voice, I also got up, asked to leave and go to bed, so as not to discuss now. The next day at dinner he suggested the following: we allow us to come late - at one or two in the morning (she meets with a boy and he always gives her a ride in his car, she doesn’t have to come back late alone), but she.