There are many ways to avoid direct and open communication, especially when it comes to the need to admit guilt and mistakes. One of these ways is whataboutism. It essentially consists of redirecting an awkward question back to the interlocutor with the general message: “What about you?” Initially, the term itself began to be used to describe one of the strategies of political debate. The strategy pursued the same goal - to get away from an unpleasant issue, switching attention to another area (and, even more desirable, to the weak sides of the opponent). In ordinary relationships, this method is also actively used. Sometimes it involves transferring a painful question directly to a partner according to the principle: “And you do this too! You have worse problems than mine!” As you might imagine, it is not difficult for people who know each other well to extract these very problems and vulnerabilities from their memory. Another option is to turn to the experiences of “other people.” Thus, something from the experience of others is used to justify their behavior (and often the accuracy of such information is difficult to confirm or refute, since it relates to the private lives of other people). Then the message is: “Other people behave like this too! And even worse! Everyone does it! Why don’t you ask them?” From the point of view of communication in relationships, the basis of this method of communication is an attempt to get rid of the feeling of guilt, as well as the need to be responsible for one’s actions. Which, of course, is interconnected. As a result, several consequences arise at once: - “routinization” and “normalization” of a mistake, misconduct or behavior that brought pain to the partner. If everyone, including my partner, does it, then it's normal. And since this is normal, then there is no need to apologize or refuse an erroneous decision. - devaluation of the partner’s feelings and denial of the “legitimacy” of his claims. Since you do this too, you have no right to be unhappy or upset. In addition, the partner may well be accused of dishonesty and the use of “double standards” - devaluing the “rules of the game” as such, that is, agreements in relationships and the desire to be empathetic towards each other. If everyone breaks the rules (“everyone does this, everyone yells at each other, everyone is late, everyone doesn’t keep their promises,” etc.), then the rule itself loses its meaning. - reducing the level of demands placed on a partner who uses whataboutism. This is often the goal; now you can behave as you want and not be held responsible for it. In such cases, the partner to whom such a strategy is applied has a desire to argue his position even more actively in the hope that by “explaining it better,” he will will achieve understanding and sympathy. In practice, this only leads to receiving a new batch of questions, “what about you?” Another possible response is doubts about the justification and significance of one’s feelings and the request or claim that was originally sent to the partner. This is the result of devaluing experiences and the “rules of the game.” In long-term relationships, this can lead to a general lowering of expectations from a partner and the level of what is acceptable in relation to oneself. In this situation, it would be much more productive not to waste energy on explanations and evidence, but to evaluate how consistently and often the partner uses this strategy (since almost all of us have resorted to it occasionally, in one form or another). also, do you have a feeling of “unjustified your feelings and demands” and doubts about the “rules of the game” (including the fact that warm and respectful relationships are even possible). This is a reason to think about the quality of such relationships in general and the possibility of increasing the distance. And it is equally important to remember that only we ourselves are responsible for our behavior and the reactions that we choose. Thank you for your attention! Subscribe to my telegram channel https://t.me/psychology_of_alivenessSign up for a consultation @pershikova_psychoanalyst