Does your child have problems with behavior, health, or grades at school that worry you? Have you made a lot of efforts to solve them, but there are no changes or they are insignificant? I suggest looking at the current situation from an unusual angle. Sometimes it happens that a child’s problem (for example, his serious illness, poor performance at school or destructive behavior) helps resolve the conflict in relationship between his parents and bring the family together. And then the parents themselves, paradoxically, contribute to the consolidation of their child’s problem. How does this happen? Let’s say two adults, the child’s mother and father, have difficulties in their relationship: a lot of misunderstandings, resentments, pain and even hatred. Their marriage is under threat. At one “wonderful” moment, the child becomes quite ill. Parents are temporarily distracted from their interpersonal problems and concentrate on the child’s health. Both parents are involved in the child’s treatment: “Did you give me the medicine?”, “Will you take us to the doctor for lunch today?”, “Go to the pharmacy, we need to buy...”. A long-awaited dialogue arises (without quarrels and scandals) between adults. At this moment, all family members unconsciously grasp the relationship: the child is sick and, at the same time, the parents’ problems seem to disappear. For example, dad stops disappearing at work, mom stops nagging her husband for a bunch of things he hasn’t done. It turns out that a bad event reinforces the good state of affairs in the family. The bad reinforces the good. In fact, of course, the conflict between adults does not go away and is not resolved. But the child’s illness seems to overwhelm him for a while. Unconsciously, the thought begins to appear in the “atmosphere” of the family: a child’s illness = a strong family. No quarrels, no tears, no slamming doors, no talk of divorce. Only the child “for some reason” gets sick. Thus, the benefit from the disease is fixed at the level of both the child himself (“I’m sick and mom and dad finally don’t quarrel!”), and at the level of the parents (“Wow! It’s so difficult here Now is the time - the child is sick, and we haven’t quarreled for a whole week!”). Gradually, if the child’s health problems recur or intensify, parents who only yesterday wanted to get a divorce are now amicably involved in family troubles. The illness of a child is unconsciously perceived by all family members as a way to escape from the internal problems of the parent couple to unite them based on the difficulty that has arisen. If all this continues for a long time, then a so-called family myth may arise about an ideal family, in which there is only one difficulty - This is a child's illness. Then the child’s problem is fixed by the family. On a conscious level, the disease is perceived as an “enemy” of the family, on an unconscious level – as a “friend.” The child is thus drawn into the parental conflict, while at the same time allowing it not to be resolved, albeit at his own expense. Paradoxical communication arises. The child receives a double message: on the verbal level it sounds “Get well soon!”, on the non-verbal level “Your illness is beneficial for the whole family. Be in pain!” What remains for the child?! In the best case, continue to get sick periodically, in the worst case, go sick, transferring the disease to the chronic stage. Instead of a child’s illness, as you probably already understood, the child can have any pathological symptom: serious failure at school, problem behavior, constant hysterics, “stickiness” of the child etc. And then, having come to the psychologist, the tired and worried mother says: “My child is so problematic. We don’t know what to do anymore... And who is he? But our family is strong and prosperous!” Psychologist Olga Tukanova__________Psychologist online and in person (Ekaterinburg): +7 (904) 98 52 436 (Whats App, Telegram or other messengers).