This article will talk about how to cope with the swing inside the soul, how to withstand a breakup. If the decision to break up is made (no matter by whom), but the heart cries and wants to return love. How to maintain an even position in accordance with the decision made, calm down and move on with your life. This is the second article from the collection “How to forget your ex.” First article: “How to forget your ex, therapeutic letters” This article talks about a technique that will help relieve emotional stress (this may be an attack of inexplicable anxiety or fear) and/or help end a past relationship, forget an ex-boyfriend. (The published case has been changed so, so that it would be impossible to understand who this girl was. The consultation took place 2 years ago, in person, the client came on the recommendation of a friend, her case is not available on the b17.ru website) He left, but not from her heart. Girl, 35 years old. After breaking up with a man who hurt her. - I don’t know what to do! I understand that the violence began a long time ago. My mother tells me that this cannot be forgiven. He has hit me. And it scared me a lot. She says that if he hit you once, he will hit you again, that it’s only a matter of time... But I don’t believe it, because it happens in different ways. It happens that this is the first and last time. - Yes, this also happens. Let's say he never raises his hand to you again. Will you forgive him? - I don’t think the point is that he can hit me. I began to be afraid of him, I can’t trust him anymore. He crossed the line. And I want this breakup to be the last! We parted, he left, but he’s gone from my heart! - I see you doubt. You are not firm in your decision. Some kind of duality. Correct me if I'm wrong. - Yes. This is true. I can't believe he doesn't love me! How can you be so gentle and then be so cruel and cold?! I can't wrap my head around this. But it is so. And yes, you said it right, duality! He has a duality and in my soul now... - What do you feel? Right now. (Silent, sits motionless and looks at the floor for a while) - Contradiction. We talked about this with a psychiatrist. I understand that I need to get him out of my head, but this week I clearly understood that I cannot. And I constantly think about him. This swing is in my soul, I'm so tired. And I know that he will call... and I won't be able to tell him no. And he will return to me, as he has returned many times before... But I don’t want that! Because I'm scared. *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ****** *** ** * *** *** *** ***And now a little more about this story... It all started beautifully and well. He guessed her wishes on the fly, made her dreams come true... Imperceptibly the first bells began to appear... She was in pain, very painful. But she forgave. Then again he did something that was so unpleasant that it was no longer an accident... and somehow slowly, unnoticed... as a result, physical violence appeared, the girl was so scared that she went to the police. She wrote a statement about the use of physical force, that the guy hit her. The police took him away (to teach him good behavior), after which the guy snorted and seemed to leave her. The girl turned to a psychotherapist-psychiatrist, who explained to her that most likely the guy was a psychopath. Her question was: should I put up with him or should I firmly not. After consulting a psychiatrist, the girl realized one thing for herself: if she continues the relationship with this person, then not only will there be no happiness with him, but the violence will repeat. May he never hit her again. It happens that a guy hit a girl, hit him for the first time in his life, she made it clear that she couldn’t do that with her, and he didn’t do that again. Let him not hit, but ignore her feelings and needs, cause pain (knowing that it hurts her), do what is unpleasant (without trying to negotiate or find a solution), walk, disappear - alas, he has always been like this, he He behaved this way with other girls (he told me that). She decided that this relationship should be broken off and not return to it. What she won't let inhim back if he calls. But a few days later, doubt settled in her heart about breaking up the relationship and she could no longer calm down. On the one hand, she really wanted to return all the best that was, she had not experienced anything like this for many years, such love, tenderness, passion... On the other hand, she was afraid that the violence would not just happen again, but would get worse (which Something inside her told me that this would most likely be the case), she remembered how she had suffered lately. On the one hand, she is drawn to it, but on the other hand, she is scared! She was afraid that she couldn’t stand it, that she would say “yes” to him again when he called and offered to meet after another breakup. After the consultation, I recommended that she read Tanya Tank’s book “Fear, I’m with you,” this is a book about psychological rapists and how to recognize them and get out of relationships with them. Now let’s get back to the consultation. I offer the client a technique with floor anchors. Plus, I added different legs: it felt like the right part was saying “no” to the relationship, the left part was saying “yes” to the relationship. What was said to the girl: “The first leaf and the left leg is the part of you that wants to continue with him, that the part that still loves him. The 2nd sheet and the right leg are the part that does not want to let this person get close to you even for a cannon shot. Lay them out on the floor as you see the distance between I want this and I want that. Our task is to connect the disparate parts of the soul, first ask them to look at each other. And then ask them to slowly get closer.” The client scatters the sheets of paper on the floor. He turns their faces so that they “see” each other. (Comment: the parts do not always “see” each other, you place them as your soul dictates) I ask her to imagine these two states as clearly as possible. And then take the position in which she feels herself at the moment, where she is drawn right now. She stands in the “I love-I-can’t” position, on her left leg, symbolically this is the part of her that wants to return the guy. I ask her to stand in this state for a while and go to the opposite state. And stay there, standing on your right leg, feel the other part of yourself. Describe your feelings and thoughts in as much detail as possible. Then the client returns to sheet number 1 (changing legs each time). Please look at position No. 2. I remind her that the contradictory parts will continue to rock the seesaw until they are united into one and ask if the parts are ready to unite? The “I love” part agrees, but is not ready to meet halfway. When the client stands on sheet No. 2, the “No Relationships” part of her soul decisively declares that it is ready to move. And the client quietly moves the leaf towards sheet No. 1. And so it turns out a little closer. I ask you to go to position 1 again, I ask how you feel. The client says it’s better and calmer this way. But he doesn't want to move. I return to No. 2, this part again moves the sheet closer to No. 1... So the girl moves from one sheet to another. And the sheets are slowly getting closer and closer. And finally, they are connected, we put one sheet on top of the other. The girl stands on the sheets with both feet at the same time and freezes. She describes the sensation as something very unusual... for the first time she feels how two contradictory parts inside her have united and it has a calming effect. I recommended that she repeat the exercise again. Namely, every time she is filled with feelings and contradictions between “I want this” and “I want that.” A month later, she sent a message that the guy had appeared (this was expected and predictable). And she was able to refuse him! Which in itself is an achievement, because this was the first real refusal to him in her life. If she could have previously remained silent and not been the first to take the initiative, then it was given to her with great difficulty, suffering and pain... Moreover, this choice was made with a calm soul. Finally, she said: “I talked to him, but I myself remembered how I stood on my right leg!” Commentary on the technique. It can be applied to states of contradiction, when one part of the soul sincerely wants one thing and this is accompanied by the same actions with one vector, and».