From the author: Author of the article: clinical psychologist-psychotherapist, Master of Psychology Alina Vladova. Hello, my grateful reader! I raise this topic now because somehow it has become more relevant to me today than ever, and I want to share my thoughts with you, my readers. There has become an incredible amount of it in my life, it has become discussed in consultations with clients, and it has become relevant in conversations with friends. Apparently, I somehow attract her into my life. And I consider it my professional duty to share with those who are interested in my opinion. Because it is an integral part of our personal lives, it is worth discussing. In order to understand in more detail what the concept of “Treason” consists of, you should first clarify what this word means for each of you, dear readers. Try an experiment, think for yourself what it is for you, then ask anyone about THIS. Ask what a person imagines when he hears this word. What pictures and images appear before him, what scenes they are organized into. And you will see that everyone sees the same concept differently. What I mean is that in people's understanding this word is painted with different colors and topped with different strokes. It is absolutely certain that everyone will remember that this is associated with unbearable mental anguish and very strong emotional experiences. Each of us is individual, and lives his own and unique life. Which, in turn, begins for each of us on a certain day, in a certain place under certain circumstances and in the presence of certain people, and we are born to certain parents, who in turn have their own history of birth and life up to this moment - until the moment of your appearance to the light. Then, you grow and mature in a new environment, surrounded by new people, read books, watch films, absorbing the experience of previous generations, which undoubtedly also influence your worldview and attitude. I think I have sufficiently argued the fact that each of us may have different opinions about the same thing. It is obvious to me, but this does not mean that it is obvious to everyone that betrayal does not happen in a vacuum. Treason SUDDENLY does not happen!!! It happens that people live, and they have invisible processes going on. It may be that small or large grievances, important issues that remain without explanation are “swallowed.” Misunderstanding and inattention influence slowly, sometimes unnoticed, undermining the need and importance of two people for each other. And then one fine - although it can hardly be called beautiful - moment one of the partners has the idea that there are other men or other women in the world. For some, cheating is an attempt to solve painful problems in a couple in an external way. Yes, it is painful, very similar to betrayal and brings a lot of suffering, as a rule, to both parties. The way it is. At the same time, betrayal continues to be one of the ways to reach a partner - in a somewhat intricate way - to show him your importance, irreplaceability, and necessity. Many people immediately ask the question: “Can betrayal be forgiven?” And many others already have an answer ready in advance. But it's not just about forgiveness. It is important to draw conclusions about what actually led to the fact that the partner began to look for an outlet (another soul, right?) on the side. What led to the betrayal? Do two people want to live together? If so, what is important to learn, what to learn about each other’s character? How can we learn to hear and understand each other better? Talk about the most intimate topics so as not to offend or be offended? “Betrayal” is a kind of crisis in a relationship. This is a kind of test, a test of strength. It can destroy a family, or it can make it strong and reliable. If betrayal occurs at the very beginning of a relationship, then most likely this is due to fear of a possible long-term relationship, fear of responsibility, certain obligations that a person has to himselfrepresents and fears. That is, this is a way to escape, to hide. Not many people think about what to do to prevent betrayal? It would be worth it though. How many people have so many opinions, you can verify this by raising this topic among your friends. We talk too much about someone, about someone else's destinies, wasting time discussing other people's situations instead of talking frankly about our destiny and life with our partner every day. It is important to learn to express your true feelings to each other. Learn to hear each other, respect, understand the reasons for actions. In general, accept as true that there is no action without a reason. Listen to your partner, try to understand him. It is imperative - very important - to try to understand yourself and the reasons for your own actions. Talk openly about your desires. This is especially true for women who prefer to wait for a man to show his telepathic abilities. And of course, answer the question more often: why is it so important for you to be together? Why exactly is this person valuable to me? What character qualities of his and mine would I like (would like) to develop, support, praise? A happy and harmonious marriage is not always an idyll of two lovers; it develops, changes, and goes through crises. One of the possible crises is the betrayal of one of the partners. There are countless words and feelings accompanying this period: shock, tragedy, trauma, nightmare, change, divorce, anger, aggression, resentment, etc. This is a psychological trauma not only for the one who was betrayed, but for the entire family. A couple experiencing a crisis understands that they are already different, and it will never be the same as it was before. The willingness to keep a family depends equally on both the woman and the man. Such a “joint project” involves a lot of work: you will have to get to know each other “in a new way,” reconsider your own habits and values, learn to restore relationships, interact and see yourself and each other in a new way. No matter how the relationship of this couple develops, such an experience affects the psychological fabric of their future life. If the husband cheated, then it is important for the woman not to ignore her feelings and experiences, it is important to live them, talk about them. Much depends on how the husband behaves and what tactics he chooses. What does he say to you - but most importantly, do you believe him, yourself? Of course, it would be good to understand his motives; What did he want to convey to you by his action? What did you understand and take away? To deal with these issues and understand yourself, to make your own right decision, it is worth visiting a psychologist. It’s even better if the couple is ready to talk with a family psychologist or psychotherapist. I advise women to read “Letters to a Stranger” by Andre Maurois! Mature relationships between partners begin when each of them has a need for fidelity, as well as a need for food, sleep, and creativity. It happens that there is no need for fidelity from the very beginning. If the internal need for fidelity remains, then, in my opinion, external behavior when communicating with people of the opposite sex is not so important. If there is no need for fidelity within or it disappears over time, then spiritual betrayal is inevitable. But if there is physical intimacy with another, then it is impossible to remain spiritually faithful to the former partner! In this situation, I would separate the concepts of “Betrayal” and “Betrayal.” In my opinion, at the beginning of a relationship, when attachments have not been established, when there is only interest in the partner, you cannot talk about cheating. But we can talk about betrayal. Saying that you will help your friend move and not coming is already a small deception, which can grow into a big betrayal. If a person relies on you and does everything in accordance with the given promise, but you do not fulfill it, then this is betrayal. Reflecting on the topic of “Betrayal,” one could single out and group together the very reasons why “Betrayal” occurs. Dividing into groups is a favorite pastime of psychologists, but it is also very arbitrary, dear reader. There is no need to rigidly place your case into one group or another. Thisis done to facilitate understanding. Because such a thing as structuring the material makes it easier to understand and assimilate. So, read it and don’t judge strictly. Reasons 1 reason: “In search of yourself.” The need for self-affirmation. Receive recognition, admiration, feel important. A person with sub-par self-esteem will fill his internal holes from the outside. The wife is becoming scarce, but she loves him anyway. Reminiscent of alcoholism, only instead of alcohol or drugs, a mistress. Received the dose - alive. Everyone loves me - my self-esteem increases, but only for a while. And so on in a vicious circle. The damn circle takes you even further away from yourself, from your true needs, from real close relationships. A person cannot understand that they are not looking for themselves in this place. 2nd reason: “It’s not worth it to look like a mother.” Having turned his woman into a mother, he suddenly notices a loss of sexual interest in his wife. “Well, yes, it’s not worth it to look like a mother.” For the wife, roots (poop), and for the mistress, tops (flowers, candies). A man has a problem with his mother. Internal splitting of the image of a woman into a witch and a sorceress. He expects a woman to be a “depraved virgin.” In life, he doesn’t find one like that and lives with two. One is a “holy mother”, the other is a “debaucher” with whom anything is possible. A neurotic man finds a way out of his intrapersonal conflict only by living with two women. A woman often, unconsciously, plays along with a man, putting on such a role, for which she then pays cruelly. A woman who plays the role of a mother for an adult man is filled with internal prohibitions, especially the prohibition on sexuality. 3rd reason: “I fell in love with another - I stopped loving.” And I didn’t really love. Probably, “there was nowhere to spend the night.” 4 reason: “Playing on feelings - Treason as revenge.” Making a loved one suffer. A person who has accumulated garbage throughout his life, starting from childhood and all subsequent relationships (grievances, failures in relationships, anger at women, unjustified expectations, etc.) Acts out his suffering on his neighbor, turning relationships into a garbage container. 5 reason: “I What’s not a man?” (stereotypical thinking). Type of attitude: - A real man is one who has a lot of women. (cheating is the norm in the life of a real man). As a rule, such a man's father cheated on his mother. But someone is looking for their courage in prison, or in hot spots. Often with such men, the wives think: all men are males (and for her this is the norm). Unconsciously, a man does not believe that he is a real man. He will prove to himself and others by defending himself against his weakness by betrayal. He finds himself a woman who devalues ​​his masculine qualities. Such a couple has terrible scandals and warm truces. 6 reason: “I miss you.” Increased sexuality. Unless, of course, the man is kept on a starvation diet. Sexuality is usually normal. Anxiety translates into hypersexuality. Sexual need is confused with the need for reassurance. Women act as an anti-anxiety drug. But the pill only works for a while. Anxiety is in the head. 7 reason: “Headache.” The woman turned into a driven housewife, and the man into an Internet zombie. A woman unconsciously pushes a man away from her because she is busy: home, work, children, and stops taking care of herself (she has no time for herself). And the man is so busy with Internet toys that he has no time for his beloved. And then he is surprised that he or she has someone. On an unconscious level, the reason: fear of intimacy. She abandoned herself a long time ago. 8 reason: “Lack of reciprocity.” When there is no response to the partner’s feelings or insufficient feelings (one is warm, the other is cold). Finding love in another partner where reciprocity is possible. The unfaithful person does not love the new partner, but responds to his feelings. 9 reason: “Casual relationship.” Treason, as an isolated case. (drunkenness, opportunity, “I pestered myself” or “I was drunk - I don’t remember anything”) 10 reason: “Long separation.” Distance, business trips, illness of the spouse. Marital infidelity makes up for the lack of love relationships. The hardest thing.