From the author: How to awaken motivation in children? -Is she sleeping? While scrolling through various groups on social networks during the holidays, where parents ask questions to psychologists, I noticed that if you rank popular questions, perhaps? the most common would be: He/she doesn't want to do anything...How to awaken motivation? What's going on?....(I immediately exclude the situation of teenage depression from the article - this is a separate topic) Most often this question is asked by parents whose children are entering puberty or by parents of teenagers. Of course, having said: “OK Google” I found tons of articles and answers... And perhaps I won’t even be original in this matter... But I will write a few paragraphs. What if they contain the answer to your question? Having worked with teenagers for more than 10 years, I have seen a lot - different family stories, different attitudes towards children... Of course, if the child is busy with something from morning to evening, or he is in a system where he “won’t be allowed to get bored” is one thing. But if you ask the questions listed above every day, then this is a different case. This is YOUR child... And, thank God, that you have these questions, and not a go-ahead for adolescence. The first thing you should do - I don’t like the word should - but I can’t do without it here - is to ask yourself a question: - My child doesn't want to get out of bed, doesn't want to study, doesn't want to help, doesn't want to participate in family or school life... what is he trying to tell me through this behavior? It's important to understand: in fact, your child has motivation. But she is special! This is motivation - to resist you and all those who are somehow trying to penetrate his world, without the desire of the teenager. Now his main motivation is resistance. Do everything your way, not yours. For what? This preserves his power. - What power? We decide everything in the house! While he is within our walls, we are the power! - many parents will say or think. But the paradox is that when people feel powerless, they try to feel strong by holding back any attempts at “power over the situation.” A child or teenager who “doesn’t want anything” will continue to do what gives complete confidence that he is in control of the situation! For parents, this behavior looks like completely uncontrollable. For a teenager, this is the only way to control what is happening around him. But what is the reason? The reason is simple! Dear moms and dads, you simply forget that there is still a child in front of you. A child who uses resistance to control. A child who does not yet fully have both social and problem-solving skills. Who and when managed to teach your teenager alternative behavioral skills to the extent that you require of him? Were they shown, explained, did parents, school, life experience itself teach the child how to use Social skills? Do all of our teenagers know and are able to: how to talk to other people, how to be friendly or cautious, how to feel comfortable within their boundaries and how to respect strangers, how to show empathy, how to express emotions and be in harmony with them... Do our teenagers have problem-solving skills? How much time have we devoted to the child to explain what people want from him, what he can get from people, how what to give and how to meet the expectations and demands of one and the other? These basic problem-solving skills are necessary to, for example, simply help a child cope with criticism in class. And this is the most common reason why children do not want to do homework or go to school. They just don’t want to be constantly criticized. Therefore, dear mothers and fathers, we all live with some kind of motivation. Everyone has it. The only question is - what is it? If your child looks like he is not motivated, you need to look at what he is doing and see that THAT is what he is motivated by. Assuming that your child is not motivated is an ineffective way to look at him. And while you willOne-sidedly looking for a “magic motivation pill”, your child will continue to be motivated to do nothing. In this case, doing nothing means resisting and maintaining control over you. I cannot give ready-made recipes to my parents. There are always some nuances and features of the reasons for such behavior of a teenager in the family. One thing I can say is that as long as the parents see the child as a “victim”, he will take advantage of this, because... no one wants to miss out on their benefits. And the teenager will quietly engage you in a “gruelling” power struggle to provoke you, and not give you the opportunity to find a solution in other ways. The first step is to understand that a “child who doesn’t want anything” is not a victim. And in plain text, the “speaking” to you is “the master of the situation.” The second step is to convey to yourself, and over time, to the child, that in this way he is trying to solve his problems. But not having the necessary knowledge and life experience, he does not solve them effectively. Explain to both yourself and the teenager that a simplified solution will lead nowhere: if he lies in bed, skips school, hangs out on the computer, if you take away his phone, turn off the Internet, deprive him of money - this is not a solution! This creates new problems for both him and you. This means we need to look at this situation comprehensively. The third step is difficult - and I sincerely sympathize with parents who do their best to extinguish the desire to solve everything through emotions or force. They do double the work and spend double the effort on such control. It is very difficult! But you have to understand - as soon as you stage a “performance of emotions”, you immediately change roles with the child - you become an actor whose performance is evaluated by the teenager. And believe me, this is the best show for him, because... he never tires of learning from life. And the emotions of others are very interesting. Plus a bonus - I control the situation, not my parents! - this gives strength for “new exploits.” The fourth step is action. It is clear that here we cannot do without “I messages.” I won’t explain this - a lot has been said about it. But if you turn to a child: “I don’t like what’s happening.” I want you to get out of bed and start getting ready for school now! And in response you hear: “So what?” Well, what then? The ball is in your court. You need to show this "cho". And most importantly - the consequences of this "cho". By ignoring this, you again give “the ball to the teenager’s field” and he is already in control of the situation. Behind this “cho” there must be restrictions that you set. And most importantly, they will be respected! If your teenager won't leave the bed, ignoring your words, there should be consequences: if you don't get out of bed, you shouldn't do anything else - you shouldn't play video games, you shouldn't spend four hours in front of the TV, you shouldn't eat bed or chatting on social networks - lie down! just lie down!. If you are too “sick” to go to school, you should not leave the house, call your friends - save your energy for recovery! ....If you have established that homework should be done from 18 to 20 pm, but are met with resistance, this is your child's choice. But you also have a choice - at this time the TV does not turn on, there is no communication on social networks, there are no games on the computer. Plus - the consequences of unfinished homework fall on the teenager. These limits must be set and respected. I understand the difficulty that parents of such teenagers go through. As much as possible, I always support them. But only rules help your children understand the consequences of their behavior. It is through such rules that you show your child that each person is responsible for his own behavior, while being part of the family and society. Thus, developing both their social and problem-solving skills. The fifth step is important! American professor and philosopher John Dewey wrote that the deepest desire of man is “the desire to be significant.” And there is no escape from this. Especially when the conflict between parents and teenagers is about “significance.” That's why it's so important to develop a system.