One of the most important skills I acquired in therapy was the courage to talk about my desires. Previously it was like: my dear, guess for yourself. Hence, of course, at first there are a lot of expectations, then just as many disappointments. Oh, that's what he is! I looked at that dress so expressively! Walking past the cafes, I said loudly and clearly three times, like at a matinee to Grandfather Frost, “it smells so delicious, I really want to eat!” And he - what? Nothing! Insensitive blockhead! The stool has better developed emotional intelligence, as well as social skills. It's bad to be like this. What is this about? About how to be a baby and urgently need an adult who, based on the shades of your crying, will figure out what you need: a clean diaper, milk, a bouquet or shoes. Only adult mature people for some reason do not strive for relationships. They are such bores, they want some nasty dialogues and direct communications. Now everything has become easier. I can calmly voice my desires. And, you know, there is so much lightness and freedom in this. Today I wanted lilies of the valley, for example. Being able to and allowing yourself to ask and talk about your needs is an important skill that can take your relationship to a new level. The person next to you is not a telepath or a psychic. He may express his love in completely different ways that are not so important to you. You know that joke: “I want flowers, but I don’t want to tell you that I want flowers. Because you’ll just give me flowers because I want them. And I want you to give me flowers, because you want to give me flowers.” , understand?" In this joke lies the dream of a parent who could intuitively sense and satisfy your needs himself, without your request, but accurately hitting the bull's eye. Yes, you can remain silent and expect that there will be a partner who will guess. Or you can allow yourself to tell the world what you want. You, most likely, also do not know 100% what would bring the most joy to your partner right now. Why does it even happen that it is difficult for a woman to talk about her needs? As usual, we all come from childhood. Typically, women who would rather lose their tongues than express their desires grew up with neglectful parents. No one responded to their needs, which reinforces the belief: there is no point in asking for anything, they won’t do it anyway. Such women suffer from low self-esteem on the one hand, and on the other hand they have many beliefs about what strong people should be. And among all the other points, there is always something about the fact that asking is bad, shameful, indecent. That if she talks about her needs, it will make her weak, pathetic and worthless in the eyes of another. Or fantasies that if a person does not do something himself, but needs to be asked, then this is a sign that she is not loved, not appreciated, not respected. Talking about your desires is normal. It's okay to share your dreams. It's okay to ask for things that will make you happy. Expecting that a person will figure it out and satisfy all your needs himself will only disappoint you and spoil close relationships. How to learn to ask? Normalize the phenomenon itself. Realize that the fact of asking does not make you weak, bad or unloved. The fact of the request does not characterize your relationship poorly. On the contrary, those relationships are bad where it is impossible to ask. Give up the fantasy that your loved one should know what you want. Only you understand yourself best. Discuss your shame with your partner, tell us how difficult it is for you to ask for something. Most likely, you will hear that your partner would be happy if you shared and talked more about your desires. Get in touch with the fear of rejection. Some are so afraid of rejection that they prefer not to ask at all. Refusal is also possible. The other person may not have the resources, strength, or desire to do what you asked. And that's okay, he has the right to it. No, it doesn't make him bad, you unloved, or your relationship going downhill. Sort yourself out. What's stopping you?