As a child, I heard repeatedly from relatives and other adults that the family would have fallen apart long ago if it weren’t for the children, everything is for the children, and the parents are in this terrible marriage , only so that, seeing their torment, the kids would be happy that their family is complete. But what does this heroism hide behind and how does it affect the child and the adults themselves? Living in a family where the parents have not been together emotionally for a long time, the child internalizes the model of a “normal” family, and for him this is normally expressed, for example, in a father who is not at home (a man is never around, I, as a man, have to earn money), in a mother who sits alone and dreams of peace, complains about her husband is a bastard who doesn’t pay attention to her (I, as a woman, am always lonely, I, as a man, offend women/a woman is always dissatisfied, then there is no point in making her happy) and takes all these options for behavioral strategies into his future family. Unless, of course, he is subconsciously afraid of marriage and creates one, rather than changing partners and avoiding serious relationships. What will happen to the parents? A man and a woman who are absolutely healthy, have sexual desire, emotional desires and dreams, understand that nothing will happen to them with a partner, but there are children. And here an internal conflict arises, I as an individual want to live, but I’m scared, because I have children, what if I can’t build a family again, or maybe I need to change my job, everything has already changed in the world of flirting, and my age is not the same, but it's scary and disturbing. On the other hand, there is social pressure since the times of the Soviet Union: “you are a bad mother”, “children are childless”, “the one who needs you”, “your children will be orphans” and many more terrible things. And of course, “you’re a bad mother/father.” And all these parental thoughts are seen by children. And they should be happy because of this that their parents are together. When the above conflicts “tear apart” a person, and social pressure says “no,” partners begin to get sick, or their children get sick. Parents don’t really want to take their children to a psychologist, and they themselves don’t really want to go if they are invited, since the specialist will immediately understand what and how, then something will have to change, and this again is scary. What should you do? If you still want to save your family, I am sure that this is still possible, but it should not be through suppressing yourself, stepping on each other’s boundaries, not through “I am a hero, I did not leave the family,” but through “I I want to be happy in my family and make my family happy." Answer yourself, how ready are you for such work, and is there any point? If a divorce is overdue, then perhaps this is how it should be, everyone has the right to happiness, both you and your children, and happiness can be different, as with dad, so it is with the mother, and maybe with them separately. Manipulation of the feeling of heroism, self-sacrifice brings, as well as oppression of one’s desires in a partnership and personal desires, teaches the same to children. And you will teach them not how mom and dad loved them, so they tolerated each other, but that family is a terrible place to escape from. Be honest with yourself and your children, if you want to be safe, be, but your the choice should be honest for yourself! With love for your sores, psychologist, psychosomatologist, sexologist, family coach Tatyana Pavlenko. #children #neuroticdivorce #divorce #psychosomaticstraining #familycoach #Tatyanapavlenko #psychologistkiev #Healthy_psychosomatics