From the author: An article for everyone who is tired of fighting with themselves, encouraging themselves and punishing themselves regarding the behavior of other people...Irritability, anger and aggression pester an intelligent person with the mere fact of their existence in him. I would like to always remain a white, fluffy, relaxed sweetheart and a cat, but then suddenly you meet your own wife or husband, a former friend, a sworn friend or a valuable employee, a couple of friendly phrases - and you want to devour his liver and dance on his corpse. And then the self-struggle begins: “But what a bad and vicious person I am,” “It’s a pity that I didn’t hit - evil must be punished,” “And you also need to love and forgive everyone,” “Or maybe I need to just see him less often”, “How can I ever rise above this”, “What will criminologists say later”... Etc. At this point we are already angry not only with “that guy”, but also with ourselves. And we begin to reason with and re-educate ourselves... And then I want to say: “Well, damn it, as much as you can!” From a very young age, our parents, good fairy tales, teachers and books on philosophy instilled in us how bad it is to be bad and evil. We were shaped by all means to have a strong, cemented conscience and morality. This is explainable and understandable - who needs you to grow into a serial maniac, eating the meat of your enemies with a knife? But, on the other hand, there has never been any measure for this education and is not planned in the future. We are forced, convinced by hook or by crook to FOREVER and COMPLETELY remove aggression from ourselves (and with it irritability and anger, as subspecies). Because it’s bad and uncivilized, and it takes a long time to clean up corpses, and the more developed a person is, the less angry he is... Which means we are asked to kill, to destroy some part of ourselves. And I don’t like this at all! Is it okay that this part, albeit wild and violent, is our innate instinct? And is it okay that she is a source of strength and passion and motivation like no other? And how should we then feel without a whole huge part of ourselves? If you give me an example of civilized countries where people are polite, calm and balanced, I will say: “watch their films.” Films are one of the cross-sections of the psychological state of society. So, the key theme of European cinema is: “Everything is good in my life - and why do I feel so bad?” The heroes of films from developed countries struggle, whine, search, feel that they are not living life to the fullest and with great difficulty, fragility and global upheaval, they somehow regain a little bit of their “wild” part. At the same time, they begin to behave somewhat more aggressively, but they also quickly come to terms with themselves and rejoice somehow more lively. So, total politeness and the absence of irritating factors are not at all a guarantee of peace of mind. Of course, we could be taught to minimize MANIFESTATIONS of aggression, teach us how to get along with it, so as not to kill anyone, not to take away toys and not to swear. But we were taught something else: YOU ARE BAD IF YOU ARE ANGRY OR IRRITATED. This is what we were taught. And therefore we are forced to fight all our lives not with manifestations of aggression, but with ourselves, methodically and unsuccessfully trying to kill, rein in, and educate our ill-mannered part. Instincts are a very tenacious thing. It’s really very difficult to fight her with morals and smart books. Even religious morality does not so much save as “squeeze” and condense our aggression within us. When it becomes too much, moral convictions secondary to innate instincts can no longer cope with it. And then read the history of the Crusades, the Inquisition and look at the evil grandmothers in churches. Instincts, and especially such powerful ones as aggression, have several ways to stand up for themselves when they are trying to destroy them. Firstly, no one has canceled sublimation, and it’s also good if it’s sports, dancing and all sorts of creativity. But more often, aggression is sublimated into some kind of nasty thing, like getting drunk, fighting, having sex with a special perversion, and then finding yourself somewhere in a hot spot, in a battalionvolunteers/mercenaries who enthusiastically shoot other people. But this is an option for people with moral insufficiency. Most often and with particular success, aggression manifests itself on the front of domestic violence. If a person constantly convinces himself that he is meek, sweet and non-aggressive, but at the same time he lives not in a mountain monastery in a solitary cell, but in the company of at least one other person, his aggression will most likely accumulate for the time being. We all know this mechanism, which can be called a “compressed spring”. We endure, endure, try to be good, persuade ourselves, turn our left cheek, cover our mouth with our palm, and then - BANG!!! – we fly off the handle and yell at each other so much that it becomes awkward in front of our neighbors throughout the neighborhood. And then we endure again, licking our wounds on the ruins of our close relationships. And this happens with a certain frequency. For some lucky people it is quite rare, others need an outburst almost every day. And the most favorite method of aggression is to hide altogether. Like, I’m not here at all, “I’m in the house.” This is passive aggression. When a person can sincerely consider himself a sweetheart, never raise his voice to others, even go to confession with a clear conscience. But for some reason, for a completely inexplicable reason, no one wants to love him. For some reason, all people want to live somewhere far away and for some reason want to communicate as little as possible. It is especially unbearable for those close to you to live with this. A passive-aggressive person will constantly do something to make you feel bad, lose your temper and want to kill him. At the same time, you will feel bad and irritated, and it will look like it can be applied to the wound. Such a person becomes such a professional in hidden aggression that, without even saying a single word to you, he will perfectly insult and humiliate you. So, aggression is in everyone. And period. It is given to us from birth, since we are able to produce hormones that drive us crazy. I don’t want to be clever, but this is classic testosterone and, as recent studies show, it is also a seemingly harmless progestin. This is a manufacturer's guarantee, providing us with access to aggression in any desired quantities. And it’s not a matter of the thickness of the extended upbringing and the introduced morality. Secondly. It is our natural part and we absolutely need it. This is energy of colossal power. This is a natural source of access to living emotions, such as joy, euphoria, buzz, passion. This is the fire of our personality. You can live without it, but why? Third. Fighting aggression in yourself is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. Your efforts will not “crush” it, but will force it out into your own subconscious storage containers, and at the same time nourish it, since aggression really loves for you to think about it emotionally and pay close attention to it. And even better - they put effort into it. And now about the natural defense mechanism of all those with aggression. We all consider ourselves GOOD people by default. And therefore, in order not to destroy this healing sense of self for us, we explain our aggression to ourselves by the wrongness of someone else: “He was the first to start” or “Well, why is he being stupid, I clearly told him “To do it the way it was then, just not then, when you did something bad, and I mistakenly praised you, and then, when it was good, but you yourself didn’t understand, but I understood, but didn’t say so as not to spoil it.” And here a conflict and a vicious circle arises: “I good, I’m not freaking out” - “They’re bad, they’re driving me crazy” - “I’m freaking out, but I’m right” - “I’m highly moral, and that’s why I fight aggression” - “Aggression doesn’t go away, and that’s why I’m bad” - “I’m bad, but I’m also good”... And you can get stuck on the turns of this spiral for the rest of your life. Therefore, if you want to become kinder, the first thing you need to do is admit that you are evil. Bad, angry and aggressive. You can. You don't want to, but you can. You can use obscenities or use a frying pan. And don’t be afraid - firmly established upbringing will still not allow you to use either a fist or a frying pan. The existing limits of aggression from just oneher confessions will not be violated or expanded. But you will no longer need to spend titanic efforts to deny it in yourself. And perhaps this recognition alone will help you more clearly set your boundaries when communicating with other people. But the surest remedy for aggression is to reach a psychological state when you no longer need to prove anything to anyone. The wild part should be YOUR part, well integrated, conscious, alive and happy. She must “sit on a chain”, but get her daily belly rubs and gnaw on bones to her fill. The well-mannered wild part of the personality is an excellent defender of their interests and the interests of their loved ones, this is a twinkle in the eyes and an undying interest in life. And in order not to rush at people, there are quite practical, simple and effective techniques. They can be mastered and applied as needed. There are methods for conducting a civilized dispute, removing high internal levels of aggression, and interacting with difficult people. Ask your psychologist friends about them. So, if you notice that you are becoming angrier and more irritable over the years, great, that’s how it should be! Behind this are the natural physiological mechanisms of our exhausted, shattered psyche and years of internal war with ourselves. Drop this matter. Learn to protect others from yourself and continue to live peacefully and happily. “First aid” for attacks of aggression: If you start to get angry and consider this unacceptable, invest your aggression in any small material object that comes your way. Break the match. Bend the paperclip. Crumple and tear the piece of paper in your pocket. The main thing is to mentally formulate in any words convenient for you, “This is my anger at this bad person.” If you have a minute, write down on a piece of paper everything you feel (but on paper and with a pen, not on the keyboard): “I feel angry, disappointed, I want blood, AHHHH!!! I’ll tear everyone apart, demons!!!” That is, it is enough for you to be emotional and NOT ASHY ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. The main principle is not to direct anger. That is, don’t write “You, Vasya, are a fucking goat!”, but write: “I feel like I’m becoming Satan because you didn’t lock my car and now it’s been cleaned out.” Attack the situation and voice your feelings. If you have 2 minutes and a desire not only to vent anger, but also to gain some psychological stability, after the previous work, write the same number of words of the opposite meaning. “I am peace itself, I feel happy and carefree,...” Of course, this will not be true. But still, do it at least once, check this method - it works great! Behind every word with a known meaning there is an ingot of impressions, emotions and memory events tied to it. Using the phrase “I am calm and peaceful” will not do anything bad. Try it! I myself saved more than one skein of nerves this way. If you are a creative person, try to “dance” your anger, draw it, weave a carpet out of it, and the like. This is no joke - great methods if you have an extra ocean of time. Safety precautions in quarrels: If you want to learn how to swear normally, practice! It’s worth taking time to do this because it happens all the time in one form or another. Familiarize yourself with the method of “Psychological Aikido” by Mikhail Litvak. Think over the phrases that you want to say and give them a more peaceful look (the principle is the same - not “you’re an asshole”, but “I feel an insatiable desire to beat you with a slipper” or “I’m mad because you ate my fly mushrooms”). Your loved ones will appreciate this, since direct accusations look like an aggressive attack, waving a red rag in front of a person’s very nose, and an attack on his actions does not affect the very personality of the interlocutor and is perceived by him “as if easier.” Swear after you have already yelled in the forest or beat the pillow. That is, if a scandal is brewing, let out the very first emotion by hitting a pillow or punching bag. You can swear.