As Stacy Hubbard, a couples therapist at the University of Portland, writes, we each have our own emotional history, tied to our upbringing and the emotional climate in our family. Some grew up in a family where emotions were “supported”, where feelings were encouraged and approved, where it was normal to cry and be sad, where it was normal to be angry. Others grew up in a family where “emotions were rejected”, where feelings were not encouraged. Such children are told: “Don’t be sad,” “You’ll get through this,” or “Boys don’t cry.” This habitual emotional climate makes it difficult for people as adults to recognize their own emotions and makes it difficult to accept the emotions of others. One of the things that can create serious problems in a relationship is a mismatch of meta-emotions between partners. Meta-emotions are how you feel about your feelings. Inconsistency in meta-emotions leads to misunderstandings When a person with an "emotionally supportive" tradition falls in love with a person who is emotionally distant, this can have certain consequences in the relationship. Someone who withdraws from emotions may feel like their feelings are out of control or that they are being used to “get their way.” The world of emotions may seem frightening and alien to such a person, which makes him withdraw into himself, while the person showing emotions calmly and confidently discusses them. Someone who is comfortable with emotions will be able to support and share their partner's feelings, as well as freely express their own sadness, fear, disappointment and joy. The Art of Heart-to-Head Conversation Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, beautifully describes the process of emotional self-expression. She compares the process of dealing with emotions to traveling through a tunnel. The tunnel can be dark and scary at times, but by dealing with negative emotions, a person can move through it and see the light again. For those who deny their emotions, this tunnel may seem like a dark alley filled with trash and rats that they want to avoid at all costs. As Dr. John Gottman explains in What Makes Love Last?, “If you can't overcome the belief that negative emotions are a waste of time and even dangerous, you won't be able to set your partner up for success.” .By “tuning in,” he means improving your understanding of your partner in order to express your acceptance and support. Dr. Gottman offers a simple path to attunement called the art of intimate conversation. An intimate conversation consists of the following steps: Express your feelings in words Ask open-ended questions Continue making affirmations that deepen the connection Express compassion and empathy Understanding your emotional history It is important to explore the history of how you relate to feelings . In the book “What Makes Love Last?” – Dr. Gottman describes a couple with a meta-emotion mismatch. Angela comes from a very emotional family that encourages the expression and expression of her emotions, and George comes from a closed family, taciturn and reacts nervously to anything “unhappy.” As a result of his upbringing, George does not empathize with or support Angela’s emotions, but instead immediately moves on to solving problems. This is an attempt to “save” her from negative emotions that frighten and make him uncomfortable. However, this only makes her feel worse. George would be wise to follow Dr. Gottman's rule: understanding and empathy come before advice. How do you know you're in a happy relationship that's healthy for both you and those around you? Can this be measured? You can contact me for psychological advice in a way convenient for you: WhatsApp, Skype, Telegram, Tel. +7 968 ​​555 1228 Subscribe to my Telegram channel, there is a lot of useful information: https://t.me/gennadiy_eliseev_psy