Parting, painful or not, has happened in every person’s life. Parting with loved ones and not so much, with husbands or with those who never became them. Any separation is a rupture, a cutting to the quick. Even if it seems that there is nothing left in the heart, no love, no tenderness, no respect. It doesn’t matter... Breaking up a relationship is still a real thing. And it hurts. In my city, in the kingdom of vanity, Someone else is calling me. But I’ll be forgotten in sleep and you’re with me, my most long-awaited one. If you come, I’ll open the door, the loving sun will come into the house. If you don’t come, then you’ll tell me Believe me, I will forget about you. How can I overcome all this? Parting is a little death. Parting is a long way to the beginning, But I will be able to walk this path someday. Parting following a breakup or divorce is painful and requires a very sensitive and caring attitude towards yourself. It is necessary to give yourself time and love so that the wound heals. An unhealed wound in the heart will definitely make itself felt when entering into a new relationship. In essence, a relationship is an inevitable opening of the heart in order to let in the love of another person and give your love. If the relationship was superficial and the heart remained indifferent to what was happening and closed, then the breakup can be almost painless. In some cases, it is the closed heart and the inability to be open to love that signals unlived pain hidden deep in the heart. This happens after numerous breakups without healing the heart wound. Then the person “puts” armor on his heart so as not to open up again and not get “stabbed in the heart.” Having left the relationship, both the man and the woman try in different ways to “return” to normal life. And almost always, it is more difficult for a woman to go through this path of return. This is the psyche and nature of a woman. Especially if there, on the other side, her family and husband remained, and on this shore she and her children were alone. And, as a rule, forgiveness and farewell in this case lasts for years. How do people try to survive a breakup? It varies. The method chosen to heal wounds greatly depends on the person himself. It happens that a person who has just left (or survived?) a relationship immediately strives to start a new relationship as quickly as possible. This is also about pain. Only in this case, therapy is chosen using this rather unique method. Men resort to this method of cardiac therapy. They feel some kind of vague uncertainty and discomfort. And... they decide that it’s time to throw this pain out of their heads and hearts and start a new romance. It is more difficult for a woman or girl to decide on a new relationship immediately after a breakup. And this is due to the fact that if the relationship was long-term, then she was already fully attached to her partner. Both with the mind and the heart. When is it especially difficult to say goodbye and forgive? After a relationship that has left some kind of mark on the heart. Almost always these are long-term relationships in which there was intimacy, not necessarily physical. This is a marriage that lasted several years and children were born. Women experience a breakup very strongly after two or three decades of family life. There is intense affection on the part of the woman and an almost complete absence of any kind of heartfelt affection on the part of the man. Such a divorce is a disaster for a woman who “gave” half her life to him, the “ungrateful one”... There was love. Or passion. Or falling in love. And suddenly the second participant in the relationship was gone. He left, betrayed, abandoned. Or he was gone. And this is also pain. And for healing, resurrection from the state of “little death”, you also need time, sincerity, a desire to be cured. A sketch of a dream, a sketch of hopes... But it won’t happen, it won’t happen. It’s not easy to be able to cross out. Crossing out is like killing... Rimma Kazakova What prevents healing? Any getting stuck in something, in certain circumstances and feelings, indicates an unwillingness to move forward. Why does it happen that a person unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) tries to stay there, on thatshore"? It seems that the past cannot be returned, and there was too much pain there, and a future cannot be built with this person, but something holds and does not allow you to move on. Getting stuck in a state of pain, "victim". Happens for various reasons, and the main ones are the desire to receive support (read love) from loved ones, and the lack of strength to move on. Lack of determination to leave that shore and land on the shore where a new life awaits, not always pleasant and not entirely predictable, with the possibility of once again failing , get a painful experience. Fear rules here. Fear of loneliness, fear of being alone, fear of pain. Uncertainty in one’s own strengths and in one’s ability to build a new, happier life in new conditions. Where the main motive is the lack of faith in what will happen. good, better than it was or is. What to do? If the relationship is broken or is at a stage where it is better without him (her) than with him (her), then there is only one cure: loneliness (lack of new relationships) for a certain time and therapy (cure) of heart pain. How long to “refrain” from starting a new, serious relationship? Time is a good healer. And of course, you need to give time to heal the heart wound and imbue yourself with self-love. How much specifically does the heart need so that the pain in the heart not only subsides, but the heart itself can freely open to love in a relationship? Here you can and should (in my opinion) turn to the special numbers that are set for remembering people. Yes, you must have the courage to admit that the relationship is dead and cannot be resuscitated. And therefore, it is necessary to allow yourself to grieve and mourn them, as people do in relation to loved ones who have passed away from earthly life. So, these are the time dates: 3, 9, 40 days, half a year, a year, 3 days. What happens when a loved one leaves, breaks up the relationship, or you mutually decide to separate? Three days is the time when the breakup occurred, but is not yet recognized as a real event. In psychology this time is called shock. The event is perceived as something that happened not to the person himself, but as if it happened to someone else. Everything happens as if in a dream. What to do at this time, in these three days? Continue to live.9 days. After three days have passed, awareness returns to life and the person begins to understand that THIS happened to him, and that this is not a terrible dream, but a harsh reality. The pain of loss is felt very acutely, and in order to dull this pain, the thought settles inside that this is all happening - for fun, and not seriously. That I would open the door to my home and he, my beloved, would greet me. That he will come to his senses and return. Every object reminds of him and it seems as if the person is invisibly nearby, here. It is impossible to believe what has become a reality: “I am left alone.” Recognizing this new reality means moving to the next stage of living the separation. Without realizing that what happened is true and it happened to you, further movement along the path of healing is impossible. The thought that "This is not true!" changes to “It’s true, we broke up.” 40 days. This is a time to live the feelings born of a breakup, parting. And, alas, these feelings are almost always not pleasant. Anger, hatred, and anger “come out” from the depths of the soul as a reaction to something that did not happen according to the desired scenario. They show us how strong the expectations were for this relationship and THIS person. “I wanted to have children from him. And he, how could he do this to me?!” “I lived with him for twenty years, and he left, as if these years, love, care, affection, experiences did not exist?!” Anger always arises when we do not get what we expect. And it really hurts. If a loved one has passed away, then you cannot feel and live the anger; there is a ban on expressing this feeling. "I loved him so much, we were so close! How can I feel anger? It just hurts..." The danger of not experiencing anger at this stage leads to the fact that after a forced separation a person gets stuck at the "40 days" stage and cannot forgiveand let go of your loved one. This is also true for other cases when the loved one is alive and even feels quite well with his new and young wife. Expressing anger and anger towards the breakup (and even towards the person who initiated the breakup) is to move on to a new stage of the journey called "healing". The support of loved ones is very important here, and you may need the help of a psychologist. In order not to harbor anger and not get stuck in anger, outside support is needed at this stage. Half a year. Fear that replaces anger after the loss of a relationship or a loved one signals that healing is proceeding in the order established by nature. Fear is a person’s reaction to the absence in the present of that person or those relationships that created a certain form of life, were familiar and stable, or at least provided some other benefits. “Come back, I will forgive everything!” - if you could use this phrase to bring back your beloved or sinned husband, it would be pronounced like a mantra for 24 hours. But, if you do not take “decisive” steps to return a person or relationship and thereby do not create a delay for healing, then... within about six months, the degeneration of fear into sadness occurs. The sadness with which a person or a relationship with him is remembered is - an indicator of a qualitative breakthrough forward, from anger to love. Indeed, on the path of healing, it is the ability to feel love for a former partner that is an indicator of the ability to move on and find another, pleasing relationship. If you are stuck in anger and all that comes to your mind when you think about your ex is that “He is an asshole!”, then healing cannot be achieved by jumping over the stage of sadness. Be sad for your health, but... everything has its time. And the next stage that needs to be lived is accepting responsibility. A year. In the year that has occurred since the day of separation, breakup, or departure of a loved one, a transformation of feelings should occur from shock and inability to understand what happened to the complete acceptance of this situation. If a breakup or divorce occurs, then real acceptance of the situation comes. If a loved one has left, then accepting this is expressed in the fact that there is no desire to return him. Accepting responsibility for what happened in the relationship is not about one hundred percent guilt for the breakup. This is acceptance, seeing what is in you and what was the reason for your inability to build the desired relationship with that specific person. This is a conscious approach, and it is characterized by the fact that a person learns from mistakes and changes his behavior and his attitude towards life, towards men (women), towards himself. Accepting responsibility is a huge, qualitative leap forward towards love and forgiveness. And it is the presence of the ability to forgive and forgive that clearly shows whether a person is ready to let go and live in a new reality or whether he is stuck in experiences. So, the next state of this period of life is forgiveness. Forgiveness, which allows you to let go of a person and live your life. The slogan of this stage: “I loved this person and he is still dear to me. I want to be loved, I want to love. And I’m ready to open my heart to new love!” A year is actually the minimum period for complete healing. Here These are the stages of grief. Breakup, divorce, and especially the death of a loved one is real grief. It must be lived. To live and love further. But if these stages of healing have not been completed, then, alas, they will have to be passed through again, with a different person and in other relationships. These are the laws of nature, and no matter how much one would like it, in order to be able to love, it is necessary that the heart heals before the beginning of a relationship. The heart pain subsided and the wounds healed. Only then can you open your heart to love. And if you try to “ignore” the relatively long stage of the healing process, then the healing process itself will simply be delayed in time, but it will be inevitable. Often, I see this in consultations, women after a breakup enter into new relationships, not