From the author: Article from my website I read something interesting about the famous “marshmallow test”. This is a classic study by Walter Michell, during which the experimenter offered children a piece of marshmallow (the American kind that looks like a cotton ball; but it's still yummy!). The child was given a condition: you can either eat the marshmallow right now, or wait until the adult returns (in 20 minutes), and then he will give you another one. In the video you can see how the children hilariously handle the marshmallows: some will sniff, some will... then he touches it, someone moves it. So, there was only one winning strategy: only those children who DISTRACTED themselves were waiting for the experimenter with an untouched marshmallow on a plate. Please note that at 0:53 of the first video the child diligently looks past and even sings a song. The girl (3:40 of the second video) pushes the plate away from her, then, not satisfied, pushes it further. Children sing songs, play with their hands, sit in a semi-trance state and even crawl under the table so that the insidious sweet does not attack them and crawl into their mouths by itself. The boy in the green shirt in the first video diligently examines not his, but his sister’s candy, gives the girl advice and even acts mischievously (what, that’s also a distraction!). Those same children who concentrated on the marshmallow, interacted with it, explored, touched, sniffed and licked it - eventually gave up and absorbed it, sometimes casually, as if unconsciously. What are the conclusions? Yes, simple ones. Willpower, of course, is a good thing. But the obvious simple, intuitive and effective solution: DO NOT CONTACT WITH WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO HAVE IN YOUR LIFE - and it has much less chance of getting there. Don’t keep sweets at home when you’re losing weight, don’t date your ex whom you’ve decided to break up with (but are terribly drawn to), don’t window shop when money is tight... Well, you get the idea. Cap will help you. I constantly read on psychological forums and resources stories like: “My husband offends me and even beats me (then there is a history of the relationship, often long and confusing). WHY IS HE LIKE THIS? I want to answer: WHY DO YOU KNOW THIS? When you try to understand exactly how the toxic behavior of an adult partner works, you “focus on the marshmallow.” And she will come into your life, she will definitely come. You know that being a beaten wife is not the goal of your life, you do not want such a relationship. But get caught up in exploring unhealthy, dysfunctional relationships instead of building healthy ones. Instead of walking away from the damn unnecessary candy, which, of course, beckons, but about which you decided that you will not let it into your life, you look at it, sniff it and lick it. For some reason, many people believe that when they spend spending more time exploring what they want to get rid of from their life will help in some way. When I asked the question: why? Why do you need this? They answered me: well, I’ll understand how everything works! And then I will change everything!!! I’ll re-educate my partner and fix the relationship... There are several mistakes here at once. First, again, you are wasting your time focusing on the marshmallow (an unhealthy relationship with a domestic abuser, for example). And marshmallows come firmly into your life, take root, become a habit and stay with you for a long time. And this is, in principle, a non-working strategy. Secondly, it is absolutely not a fact that even if you understand how something functions in your life, you will be able to change it arbitrarily. Oranges won't grow on aspen anyway. An alcoholic will drink until he decides to quit. A domestic abuser will be dangerous and socially toxic until he decides to change (which is unlikely). You can only walk away from such relationships. But tireless “relationship researchers” usually try to study a toxic partner in detail, understand why and how he came to live this way, apply all available psychological (esoteric, astrological, etc.) theories to him, and then try to re-educate him to.