I often see the picture, but I’m always surprised. A couple comes for a consultation. For example, a man “went to the left.” He is to blame, she doesn’t trust him now. But they seem to want to save the relationship. And here this fabulous request is often heard: MAKE SO THAT EVERYTHING IS WELL WITH US AGAIN, WE WANT TO FORGET THIS SITUATION, AND WE DON’T WANT TO UNDERSTAND THE REASONS. It happened and okay, we’ve passed, we need to move on with our lives. When I respond to such a request, the image of a blonde near the hood of a car (or a blonde) always pops up in my mind). Standing in a car service with a broken engine and with the following text: - Should I change the oil in the engine? No, I don't know. What kind of oil is it? For what? Just fix the engine for me. But you don't need oil. Previously, everything worked fine without oil.... Well, you've already fixed it - now it rattles and works. That's it, I'm off. Why are you telling me about oil again? I don’t need to change the oil, I don’t want to look under the hood at all. It works - and it's great. Thank you. We moved on. 👋💋...until next time 💣💥In general, this idea: EVERYTHING WAS NORMAL BEFORE... It's just an accident. Will not happen again. Now help me get better, but there is no need to dig deep about the reasons. Everything is on the surface. IT WAS NOT NORMAL, judging by the result. A crisis in a couple, a situation on the verge of divorce, is always serious stress. And a purely biological instinct is to quickly eliminate the source of anxiety and return to the comfort zone. Hence the desire to forget the situation as quickly as possible, to take advantage of the first opportunity to make peace, to grab the first explanation of the reasons for what happened. The simplest explanation is accepted as the only correct one, or the reasons are declared completely unimportant. Now everything is fine - let's not look back. But... In this case - if you don't understand the reasons - the couple is almost guaranteed to step on this rake after some time. The rake needs to be removed from the road, and not left lying around until next time. And there is no need to rush to return both to a warm, comfortable nest of peace and tranquility. There is no point in returning there unless there is confidence that the crisis will not return. And such confidence can only appear if you understand how the situation developed, what led the couple to a crisis, what the contribution of each partner was. Yes, this may not be the most pleasant process, it will not add romance to the relationship, but rose-colored glasses nonetheless It’s better to take them off since they’ve already flown off anyway. A crisis is a symptom of the fact that things will no longer be as they were before, that something has changed in the relationship. And often partners feel this need to change the format of the relationship in different ways. To some, “but everything was good,” and to the second, “it wasn’t all that good.” And it is very important to talk about this openly - to thoroughly understand the reasons and take on your part of the responsibility. And one more thing: if the crisis is associated with betrayal, then the “injured” partner may be very tempted to save the relationship without restoring the balance, without discussing possible compensation and etc. It can be very convenient to have a guilty partner for a while. Guilty, obedient, trying to make amends for his guilt. But it will not be possible to take advantage of this situation for several years. The guilty partner is unlikely to stand it that long. Guilt will poison your relationship. He or she can find another relationship where they don't feel guilty. Where you won’t feel like you’re always on probation and your relationship is being held hostage: take a step to the side and be shot (divorce). Such unequal relationships are usually doomed. It’s better to talk about what happened, negotiate compensation, and restore balance. By the way, if you understand the reasons well, then the amount of guilt usually decreases. The second partner sees his contribution to this story and is no longer so eager for reprisals. This is a good foundation for building equal relationships at a new level. Without guilt and fear of losing the relationship. Problems do not win the lottery by accident. They are created..