How to learn to say “no”? And why am I not able to refuse another? I remembered an episode of a comedy series where a psychologist-trainer teaches how to say “no.” He stands in front of the group and shouts: “Three, four!” - the participants (in unison): “No!” How great it would be if this worked. Reliability is formed in childhood, and this is what its meaning is: “I must agree and do everything that is asked of me. Then they will love me." This happens if we grow up in a family where disagreement with elders or disobedience threatened the loss of a significant person - for example, the mother was offended and did not speak for several days. Or if the child pleased his parents, because when they are “out of sorts” it is scary and unsafe. This is how the emotional state of other people becomes more important than my own: “If I refuse something to someone else, he will feel bad: he will be offended, angry, disappointed. This means that I will lose/damage the relationship - and I will feel guilty for it.” That is, the desire to refuse instantly causes a feeling of guilt. But what's wrong with being comfortable? By maintaining relationships in this way, we are destroyed inside: we accumulate resentment or anger, because we always want gratitude for the sacrifice made, but it is not noticed or appreciated in the relationship. And we also experience disgust from insincerity - when there is no internal agreement with our behavior. Those who find it difficult to say “no” actually have a dubious “yes”: it often masks reluctance or refusal, and the person doubts whether he really wants something. Therefore, for starters, you can learn to say “yes” - regularly checking with yourself to see how sincere I am in my consent, and whether I am betraying myself. Then the “no” will naturally begin to appear slowly. And also, imagine: your friend agreed to do something for you. You know that he can refuse a request, and his consent is not forced, deep and sincere. If you feel that you will be more grateful for his help in this case, it may help you to say yes and no too.».