From the author: I am often asked what to do if he (she): does not hear me (child, partner); does everything wrong for me; cannot guess what I want; doesn’t understand that I need help (earning money, taking care of the house, children); smokes, drinks, is not attentive (a). How to be heard and hear another, be able to express your feelings, be understood, accept the right of another to be different? (published in "Newspaper 470" dated October 05, 2016) All this is possible if we use the “I-statement” and active listening techniques in communication. The first allows you to speak from yourself and about yourself, without criticizing your interlocutor. The second allows you to better understand your interlocutor, reflects what you think the other person feels, receives more detailed information, and shows your interest. The “I-statement” technique consists of several steps that must be performed sequentially: facts (not our fantasies and emotions); feelings (which we experience in connection with this fact); thoughts (which we have in connection with the feelings we experience); desires (what we want from the interlocutor); intentions (statement of what and how we are going to do in connection with the fact that happened). Example 1. The husband drinks and does not look for work. As usual: “You’re drinking again!” We ask ourselves the question: “Why do I care?” The chain of reasoning will probably lead to the answer: “I am worried about his health.” Where does concern sound in the address “Are you drinking again?” Sounds like criticism from someone else. Using technique: when I see that you have been drinking again (fact), I feel irritated (feelings) because I think that trouble will happen to you (thoughts), and I wish you could do without alcohol and find a job to your liking (desires), in turn, you can count on my support in finding a job (doctor, etc. (intentions). Example 2. A child spends all his free time on the computer. As usual: “You’re always busy with the wrong things what we need! " We ask ourselves the question: “Why do I need it to be different?” Obviously, this is a concern for the child’s health. This appeal contains criticism of another person and does not reflect experiences using technology: when I see that. you are sitting at the computer (fact), I feel irritated (feelings), because I think that you are not doing your homework, and it’s late (thoughts). I would really like you to do your homework first and then spend your free time. , as you want (desires). In turn, I will try to listen carefully to you, your opinion, understand and be more tolerant (intentions). Example 3. A husband picks up his wife after work in the evening, she is silent and is clearly in a bad mood. As usual: use the phrase: “You’re always not in the mood!” or not ask anything, assuming that something happened, the wife is not in the mood and it is better not to lead to a conflict. Neither one nor the other is suitable. In the first case - criticism. In the second, there are assumptions based on speculation (while we do not know what is really happening). Using the technique: when I see that you are in a bad mood (fact), I get nervous (feelings) and think that you are unhappy with me (or something happened at work) and if I start asking questions, we will quarrel (thoughts). And I want us to be able to discuss everything without blaming each other and without having complaints, not to guess what the other is feeling, but to talk about it (desires). In turn, I will try to be more patient and restrained (intentions). Active listening technique. Empathy is a manifestation of sympathy for the experiences of the interlocutor, recognition of the significance and importance of his feelings for you. The appeal is in the affirmative form. You say what you think your partner is feeling at the moment. For example: Your husband wants to meet a friend, but you are against it. “You really want to meet him, I understand how important this is for you” (empathy); Clarification is used to confirm for yourself what the interlocutor has previously said in order to avoid distortion of information. For example:.