The topic of healthy relationships is quite popular among client requests. Relationships with a partner are often associated with our attachment traumas or the behavior of our parents as a couple. In childhood, a child learns to interact with people around him and uses imitation for this, looking at his dad and mom, their ways of behavior and reaction. His own reactions to his partner in adulthood are often the way he behaved in childhood with his parents. Everyone knows that a child, when he receives little attention from adults, does something bad so that he will definitely be noticed. This could be hysterics, attempts to say something offensive towards parents, prohibited actions. This behavior of the child will definitely attract the attention of the mother, even in a negative way. Constant reinforcement of this behavior from the mother (attention acts as reinforcement) leads to the fact that the child learns this way of interaction and does not use adaptive methods (come up and hug, show love), because other behavior is simply not reinforced. Having already become an adult, such a person knows the only way to get attention is to do something “bad”, offend a partner, tease or make an offensive joke. It’s a different story when a child learns to be obedient and adaptable. He always plays by himself, does not talk to his mother, learns to guess her mood by her steps in the entrance, learns to lie in order to avoid punishment or not to upset his mother. Most often this happens to cold mothers who have a lot of work or who are often sick. The child gets used to not receiving attention from another, he simply adapts, and the motivation in this case is to avoid punishment. Relationships with a partner develop in a similar way. A person adapts to his partner’s life, learns all his habits and tries not to upset him or cause anger. It is noteworthy that most often such “children” choose a partner similar to their mother: cold, perhaps irritable, distant. The human psyche is trying with all its might to play out an old trauma, but this becomes impossible due to the choice of a habitual way of behavior, and retraumatization more often occurs. Of course, there are other ways to behave with partners, but they all also relate to our relationships with our parents or the relationships of parents in a dyad. Joanna Davila suggested using 3 skills for healthy relationships that really resonated with me. Therefore, I would like to consider them in more detail and supplement them in accordance with my interpretation: 1. Observation. By observing your behavior and that of your partner, you will be able to notice certain patterns of behavior. This may include popular love languages, analysis of childhood behavior, and identifying a partner's preferences and needs. For example, you may notice that you are behaving in accordance with the way you learned to respond in childhood and try to change it. By observing, you can understand what your partner is seeking, what he needs, how he expresses his love. 2. Interaction. Interaction refers to adaptive ways of communicating with a partner. Most people believe that the main thing in a relationship is the ability to talk. This is true. Only by talking can you come to an agreement and understand the other person, hear his desires or motives. Psychologists recommend using “I” statements, which focus on YOUR feelings and sensations, rather than criticizing your partner. Try to speak your partner’s language (observation will help here). A basic NLP framework about modalities can help with this. In short, each person perceives information better depending on his channel of perception (auditory, visual, tactile), knowing the preferred channel of perception of your partner, you can use words and actions that are understandable to him. For example, if his preferred modality is visual, then he should rely on it and use the words “look”, “bright”, “imagine”, etc. and rely on.