The father is very important for the development of a girl-woman. Today we’ll talk about relationships in which there is a strong emotional connection between father and daughter and how this can affect a woman’s life, including her sexuality at different periods of her life. In psychotherapy, this topic usually appears during work on relationships with men and the desire to develop or change sexual relationships. Sometimes a woman who strongly loves or hates her father (the sign in this case turns out to be not so important) seeks to find a partner who is very similar to her father or diametrically opposite. At the same time, a woman is often bothered by questions that she does not know how to clarify. Sometimes even formulating and understanding these questions is not so easy. This topic seems taboo. “Was there something forbidden, shameful between me and my father, because of which I should treat him with caution or bad?”, “Maybe this is just my perception?”, “I have erotic dreams about my father, what is it means?..” Such thoughts can seem quite unpleasant, they sow anxiety and remain a heavy burden somewhere in the subconscious. The woman hopes to find out the answers to these questions from a psychotherapist. At the same time, ambiguity in the relationship with the father can also introduce ambiguity in the relationship with the partner. A woman may be unsure of her choice, endlessly return to comparing her partner with her father, find or, on the contrary, not find similarities, and be afraid of her discoveries, which, unfortunately, may not be beneficial to her personal life. Psychologists have a good way to work with this kind of experience - therapeutic letters. These are letters that, as a rule, do not reach the addressee, but allow you to relieve tension, realize your emotions, and simply talk about what you did not have the opportunity to talk about. Therapeutic letters can be written without a psychologist, but with a psychologist it is still more convenient to work with already written material. Today at the reception there is a woman with a request for dissatisfaction with her sex life and unpleasant comparisons between her sexual partner and father. While working with a psychologist, she wrote a therapeutic letter to her father, parts of which are given below. Consent for publication was received by the authors of the article. The letter was written as a recollection of my relationship with my father at different periods of my life. “Hello dad! I need to write you a letter. My therapist says it will help me understand my own sexuality, and myself in general. I think it will make me more whole. And, funny as it may be, I think that you will finally like me better this way. This is probably how you wanted to see me. 3-6 years Do you remember how I was little and you were the most important thing to me. You were the best, the most beautiful, the strongest and the bravest. Smart and brilliant. Mom faded against your background. You are so beautiful, I love you, I kiss you endlessly, you teach me, tell me something, I learn to like you. I can joke like you. I can speak directly. I can be sexy, but not flashy, but with taste. I love your smell, your white T-shirts that you sleep in. Your hair and the smell of your scalp when you scratch it. Your mom is scratching your head, she can do it, but I can’t. I would like to scratch your head instead of her, but you don't like the way I do it. I would like you to grow a beard or mustache. I love your “fur”: on your chest, arms, legs. I remember it well, I remember many details of your body. I do whatever you want. Early rises. Charger. Hiking. Lots of activities. No, I’m not in pain, I’m not scared, I’m not tired, I can, I can, I can. You wanted a boy. Or didn't want to. I am athletic, brave, cheerful, without whims, without breaking, I obey my dad, honest, decent and a brilliant future awaits me. You say you'll marry me when I grow up. And I think I will become the first wife. And mom is the second. She serves you. Lunch, cleaning, listening to you, organizing... She is no match for you. Here I am! I'm like you. You carry me around your neck.In the summer I swim in just my panties. Yes, I'm 5, but I would like to wear a top. But you don't need to say. Nothing to hide for now.” Comments from psychologists: This passage clearly shows how much tenderness and interest in the physicality of the little girl towards her father. It is these experiences that serve as the foundation for future adult sexuality. The motive of competition with mother clearly emerges. Psychologists call this the Oedipus complex - an attempt to win the competition with a parent of the same sex for a parent of the opposite sex. In this case, there is competition with mom for dad’s love and place in the family hierarchy. It is at this age that competition is strongest. If development occurs normatively, then the child will have to lose, experience disappointment about this and find another partner in the future, and leave mom and dad alone. This competition is very important and serves for the proper development of the girl - she learns to do what her mother can do and wants to do better. Because then a prize awaits her - dad. Problems in a child's development are very often associated with the fact that he does not lose, but wins in the Oedipal competition. This is very relevant for a modern couple - the overwhelming number of divorces happen precisely because children win the battle for the love of their parents. Our contemporary is greatly disappointed in relationships of intimacy and seeks it in relationships with children. Children, not spouses, become best friends. Spouses are a temporary thing - children are permanent. This philosophy towards children is largely consumerist and selfish. And parents do not understand that they are interfering with the adequate development of their beloved children. This happens quite often if the child is the only one or if the parents get divorced. The main trouble with winning is that it is illusory and exists only psychologically. In reality, it is impossible to win it, because the prohibition against incest is a basic prohibition in human culture. Thus, a woman can have conflicting feelings about this for a very long time - on the one hand, dad loves her more than mom and is for her the main man in life, the best man possible, an ideal. But since it is impossible to get it completely (he still remains with his mother), a painful, usually completely unconscious feeling of self-doubt appears. Then it is transferred to all other men and leads to the fact that the woman becomes too dependent on male approval, does too much to make the man love her. This automatically leads to an imbalance in the sexual sphere. The nature of female sexuality is more selfish than male sexuality, at least in terms of physiological differences. And if in a sexual relationship a woman cares more about her partner’s pleasure than about her own pleasure, we have difficulty with orgasm. And it all starts with dad. "6-12 years old I went to school in Rostov. There were many handsome boys in my class, I began to fall in love with them one by one. During the summer holidays we returned to Taganrog and went to the dacha. You built us a house. Then I already fell in love with the workers But we went swimming together. We went to get water. You “built” the workers. We went to the sauna and always covered ourselves with a towel and, it seems, we were naked. It was freedom. I was proud that we could do this. It’s natural. And it’s great that we doused ourselves with cold water. Mom only drank water. beer. And I’m like you. We’re a team. I’m getting older. I’m starting to worry that my hair isn’t as long as other girls. But my role in the male class is that I’m a normal girl. we can talk, and I’m sexy. And I’m open to it.” Comments from psychologists: At this age, it is important that other objects of interest for girls appear - boys, other men, etc. From this passage it is clear that the girl prefers her father’s version of sexuality, not her mother’s.The mother does not serve as a model for the girl here. The Oedipal competition with mother seems almost won. The girl forms a “team” with her dad, which gives her a number of advantages - a role in a male team, freedom to talk about sexual topics, lack of embarrassment. That is, sexuality is formed more according to the male type. The insufficiency of female models for a girl’s sexual identification in the future may prevent her from realizing the feminine aspects of sexuality. “12-30 years old Your figure, dad, appears again more clearly at the age of 14. You hug me a lot. Somehow too tightly and close. Like when I was little. But I already dream of losing my virginity as soon as possible. And you pretend , that it’s nothing. That it’s love and tenderness. And you get offended and indignant if I stop you or your mother makes comments. Mom sees this, but she can’t stop you. I feel strange. relationship, but everyone pretends that this is not so. There is a feeling of unreality. And your mother seems to be stopping you, but she herself cannot say exactly why. And it’s uncomfortable that you seem to have the best intentions. , you almost touched my chest. Like, that’s how cool I am, and my breasts are standing. And there’s no fat on my hips. I’m a woman. And I feel confident next to you or in the company of your friends. wives. I’m cheerful. I can’t stand your brains. I can reason like an adult (I’m mature beyond my years, reasonable, etc.), but I can be a girl and still touch you. In the company of peers and female peers, I’m not the best. There I have a more aggressive strategy. I want an older man, so that he would appreciate my maturity and I would feel confident physically next to him. I remember how afraid I was that you wanted to sleep with me. And sometimes it seemed to me that maybe it’s okay if that’s the case. But it’s a shame that I don’t think you intended to do this. There were some impulses, but you can’t prove anything. You never really wanted this. And I wouldn't do it. Since the age of 12, my own sexuality has apparently become stronger. And all this became too much. From some point on, your smell and your hugs made me feel rather sick. The kisses became slobbery and not on the lips. I can't hug you properly. And with mom too. No physical intimacy. No more. It’s just like incest to me.” Comments from psychologists: The author of the letter outlined this period from 12 to 30 years and she is absolutely right. Almost throughout this period she experiences the consequences of winning the Oedipal competition with her mother for her father at an earlier age. When clear inclinations and sexual impulses already appear, the girl-girl needs a clear distance from the physicality of her parents. She tends to sexualize any bodily manifestations between them simply due to the fact of awakened sensitivity and attention to this topic. The attraction to the father, which was so important at an earlier age and served as the foundation of future adult sexuality, must now be suppressed. As a rule, we suppress sexual desires with the help of feelings of disgust; this is completely normal and natural. However, no suitable female subject for identification has yet emerged. Therefore, the aspect of male sexuality continues to be realized. There is still room for development in this area. It is especially important that the author of the letter understands that there was and could not be incest between her and her father. Clarity comes. “Completion. Oh, dad. You ask, what do I feel for you now? You're getting old. And you're afraid of it. I want to help you. Or at least share it with you. But I can not. I want to be closer. But I don’t know what to talk to you about. I want to be alone with you in the whole world and for everything to be fine. But in practice, you offend me all the time, you don’t understand me, etc. It’s toxic to communicate closely with you. And it's not so interesting anymore. Because it seems to me that I already know a lot too. And you will soon begin to fall into insanity. Will we really not be together? Never". Comments from psychologists: In the end