FROM A WOMAN: I’ve been in my first relationship for almost 2 years. For the first time I have not been alone for several months. Lately I don’t feel happy at all, I don’t have the energy for relationships or work, or anything at all. We began to quarrel often, out of the blue, the guy was very touchy and stubborn, and so was I. We get caught up in little things and mutual complaints begin. We cannot understand each other, agree, we make peace, but everything goes in circles after a while. Now I don’t understand whether it’s worth continuing the relationship. There are also cool moments, I adore our physical closeness, I adore just hugging, I love making plans with him, I adore the fact that I am sick and he goes to get medicine, go to the cinema together, there are a lot of different things that you don’t have alone. But we are going in circles with these proceedings, who said what wrong and who is to blame. I never left a relationship, I didn’t have one, I can’t understand whether it’s good or bad for me in it. How do I know if I should continue this relationship? MY ANSWER: Everyone determines in their own way whether they need this relationship or not. There are many subtleties that can play a decisive role in this choice. But there are also basic criteria, I usually recommend answering two questions: 1) While living (communicating) with this person, do your strengths increase, your life improves, or do your strengths decrease and life worsens? 2) Is life with this person leading you to what you want to achieve in life or not? If the answer to these questions is negative, then you need to try to fix it. Maybe you and your partner simply do not have the experience and ability to arrange things so that life improves and leads to the achievement of your main goals. But if you can’t fix it, and you see that your attempts to arrange things in the right way are met with stubborn resistance from your partner, you should think about whether this is your person or not. Then it makes sense to take a sheet of paper, divide it with a vertical line, and write “pros” on the left side living together with this person”, on the right write “the disadvantages of living together with this person”. Then take the second sheet, also divide it with a line, on the left side write “pros of breaking up with this person”, on the right - “cons of breaking up with this person”. It would seem that the two sheets should have the same thing, but experience shows , that in this way it is possible to consider the current circumstances more accurately. And based on this consideration, decide whether you need this relationship or not. Along the way you and this person are, whether this is your person or not. In general, finding a suitable person, and especially your own person, for life together is not easy. Mistakes also happen. Therefore, you should learn not only to choose the right person and arrange a relationship, but also to untie yourself and part ways. After all, it happens that the person is exactly the one you need, but only for a certain period of your life. Time passes, paths diverge and you need to look, wait, for another person; it is not always possible to immediately find someone with whom you will live your whole life. If you have any questions, please contact us, we will try to figure it out together. Psychologist - Andrey Georgievich Shatyorkin. I provide consultations and psychotherapy on Skype and other instant messengers. Sign up for a consultation and introductory meeting by phone. +7-923-621-0007