From the author: This article was published on the website: What is anger? Anger is an emotion, the body’s response to pain, shame, etc. If someone hurts your foot in transport, what will be your reaction? What if this person didn’t notice and continues to stand on your foot? That's right, you'll get angry. Get angry, at least in order to free your foot from the source of pain. Moreover, you can free it in different ways: one will endure, boil and wait until the person himself understands that he has stepped on someone’s foot. Another will push the offender angrily, yelling at him. And the third, without waiting for his leg to be freed, will say: “It hurts. Please remove your leg.” Which answer do you like? In life, which option do you prefer? I often hear the following statements from clients: “I want to respond adequately to anger, I don’t want to get angry.” If we take the example I gave above, how can you not get angry when it hurts? Getting angry is neither good nor bad. In general, there are no bad or good emotions, they are all a natural reaction of our body to the proposed life circumstances. A signal that something is going wrong, or that everything is fine and you can move on. We all get angry, even those who say they never get angry. They simply suppress emotions and direct all the energy of anger towards themselves, inward. We were taught this as children. Everyone is familiar with the expressions: you shouldn’t be angry, be a good boy/girl - don’t scream, fighting is not good. Our anger was simply stopped and not told how to properly express our anger. They didn’t speak because they themselves weren’t taught. Unexpressed energy begins to “eat” us from the inside and then we can talk about the appearance of psychosomatic diseases, such as stomach ulcers, colitis, skin diseases, etc. Ideally, anger should be redirected precisely to its source to eliminate the causes of your dissatisfaction. But can we always track exactly why we get angry? What is behind our anger, what needs are not being met? For example, a woman screams and swears at her daughter, whose room is in terrible disarray. She herself is not very comfortable with her actions and she goes to a psychologist to figure out how she can force her daughter to clean up. The psychologist begins to find out what is behind the anger, what does the client really want? Mom - I want it to be clean Psychologist - And if it’s not clean, what then? Mom - Then I will feel like a bad mother who raised my daughter poorly. Psychologist - What does it mean to feel like a “bad mom”? Mom - I’m ashamed that I’m a bad mom. I need support in being a good mother! We see that behind this woman’s anger is an unsatisfied need for recognition. Recognition of her as a good mother. When she realized this, she stopped being angry with her daughter and began to deal with her shame. Some clients say that they react to anger with lightning speed, impulsively. They don’t have time to understand anything, but they’re already shouting and making scandals. That is, anger can turn into affect. How to prevent reactive expression of anger? First, you need to clearly monitor your anger and not put it inside yourself. I described this before. Secondly, when you have noticed that you are angry, try to understand what you want at this moment? What is behind the anger? Who is your anger directed at? If you reflect on this, your reactions will become more conscious and less destructive for you and others. And when you understand what is really hidden behind your anger, for example, it may be the need for tenderness and love, then your anger will not be so relevant. Thirdly, if you still find that you are angry and know the recipient of your anger, you will be able to more calmly convey your feelings to him. For example: “I'm angry at you because I'm in pain.».