“How to cope with the anger, irritation and rage that periodically pours out on loved ones? I'm not an evil person. Quite calm. Even non-conflict. Comfortable. But sometimes it hits me so hard that I can’t control myself. And then I feel guilty. After all, he could have behaved differently! Actually, nothing terrible happened. And everything could have been resolved calmly. What should I do? “How to manage your emotions and not take it out on your loved ones,” is one of the frequent requests in my consultations. Let’s figure it out. An adult knows how to live through his anger and build an effective dialogue with other people. Why does it happen that in some situations, even minor ones, he is overwhelmed by emotions? If anger in some specific situations or with specific people is suppressed, then the tension accumulates and sooner or later breaks out. The more situations there were where anger was blocked , the more tension accumulates and the more intensely a person falls into affect. That is, he reacts not to a specific situation here and now, but to those layers of suppressed feelings. To the tension that it can no longer withstand. Therefore, when detente sets in, a person notices that the matter is not worth hatching. The situation is not commensurate with the reaction. And guilt arises. Being good and comfortable, non-conflicting, means not causing anger in others and in yourself. Everyone likes it, and therefore themselves. That is, to see yourself only from one side. And hide the other part of yourself. This also requires resources. But they are not endless. And again tension-discharge. What to do? How to live with anger? 1. Stop. Pause. Breathe. Count to 10. 2. Ask yourself: what is happening to me. What do I feel? 3. Name feelings and acknowledge them. “I’m angry” 4. Find an unsatisfied internal need. Shift focus from others to yourself. What do I want? What I need? 5. Treat yourself with care. Recognize the right to your needs. Yes, I need it. Yes, I miss this. Support yourself, acknowledge your desires, without criticizing or devaluing yourself and them. 6. Take a look at your expectations. Shift focus from others to yourself. Give yourself the opportunity and right to take care of yourself and close the need. See others and yourself as equals, not as omnipotent and ideal. Be accepting, loving and strict with yourself. And not domineering or pandering to suffering. How? ⁃ independently find your deficits and fill yourself. Not from the criticizing part, but from the receiving part. ⁃ learn to turn to another and determine agreements together Deep and longer work: 1. find your unmet needs and suppressed feelings layer by layer and live them. 2. Develop flexible boundaries: to withstand no one else, learn to say no on your own. 3. Recognize yourself as whole. Including the uncomfortable, the bad 4. Recognize the other as whole. Imperfect. Find common ground, points of contact. Agree. And then feelings do not take over us and do not spill out on others. They are living. You learn to manage your emotions. Lets you go. Tension goes away and relief comes. You know how to build a dialogue and resolve situations. And even if there are situations where anger is intense, you can cope with it.