Read the beginning of the article here>>.4. You do not allow yourself to show aggression (retroflection). In any relationship there is an element of aggression. Here I mean aggression in the broad sense of the word - this is the energy that allows you to achieve what you want and satisfy your needs. Approaching and meeting the girl you like is certainly an aggressive action; you are invading her boundaries. Any initiative towards rapprochement carries with it aggressive elements. It is very important in this case to distinguish aggression from violence. Violence is when you do not recognize the boundaries of another and do not take them into account, do not give the person the right to say “no”. Healthy aggression in a relationship allows you to approach and offer something (like asking a girl out) while still giving her the right to refuse you. Unfortunately, in our society a ban on aggression is very common. At the same time, there is often no distinction made between healthy aggressiveness and violence - both fall into the category of unacceptable. Perhaps in your parental family there was a ban on aggression: when communicating with others, under no circumstances should you cause them even the slightest discomfort. Now, when you approach a woman and talk about your feelings and desires, and even more so when you are persistent in a relationship, you feel "bad". And if you want to be “good,” then you have to restrain your aggression, and with it your initiative and subjectivity. Ultimately, along with aggression, you retain all your positive feelings: love, tenderness, admiration. This is such an annoying paradox. This method of interrupting contact is called retroflection. The goal of therapeutic work in this case is to rehabilitate aggression, help you notice and appropriate it in yourself, and also learn to use it constructively to take initiative in relationships.5. You are too distracted by details (deflection). Admitting your feelings is not easy for anyone. This action is always associated with a lot of anxiety and excitement, because in this situation you become vulnerable and you may be rejected. Rejection of a loved one is very painful, you understand this very well. Therefore, before taking such a step, you may decide that it is worth preparing for it as thoroughly as possible, so to speak, minimizing the risks. And so you make up the following list of actions for yourself: 1) find a certain number of mutual acquaintances and friends in order to create the basis for spending time together with a girl; 2) first, just get to know each other and strike up friendly communication, so as not to immediately “shock” her with your sympathy; 3) start 1-2 hobbies and expand your range of interests so as not to seem boring to her; 4) find a better-paid job and get more suitable housing; 5) systematically provide her with help and support in order to gain her favor and trust ;6) update your entire wardrobe to make the best possible impression;7) wait for the right moment when you are both relaxed, in a good mood and nothing distracts you;8) admit your feelings. In my practice, there have even been cases when a man considered it necessary for some time to date or sleep with a number of other girls who were not particularly attractive to him in order to “gain experience.” Needless to say, such a number of preparatory actions can take a huge amount of time, sometimes years. And all this time you will hold back your feelings, doing some other, “intermediate” tasks. Over such a period of time, the situation can change a lot, for example, your beloved may already find another man who will not bother as much with preparing for rapprochement as you do. In addition, your relationship will already have developed somehow, you will gain a foothold in the girl’s life in a certain role, and it is not at all a fact that she will want to change this role for herself. A similar situation can>>