Strategy for peace between spouses It has long been known: Long-term domestic and financial instability is always the enemy of the family. Indeed, human life is honey to few people, for most it is not sugar at all, for some it is just like in the famous song: “don’t pour salt on my wounds, don’t talk sobbing!” However, if in the individual life trajectory of a person, most people quite stoically withstand everyday and financial hardships, then within the family, where, it would seem, the firmness of people and their will to improve their lives should double, plus, we often have a completely different picture: husbands and wives quickly get tired of the struggle for stability, begin to make claims to each other, and often break up forever. Let's look at how this looks in practice using the example of several stories from my readers from [email protected]. Ivan, 31 years old, Moscow. Andrey, help me with advice on my family situation. Married at 25 years old. I myself am from Bashkiria, I was an excellent student at school, I entered a university in Moscow, graduated like everyone else, and didn’t want to leave. I was looking for a way to stay in Moscow, and in exchange for a hostel, I was offered to work as a security guard at the University. I’ve been working here for seven years now, I’ve risen to the rank of security chief, but I haven’t earned my apartment yet. This greatly spoils our family relationship with Elsa. She is from the Samara region, a little older than me, she is now 33 years old. We met on the Internet, completely by accident. Elsa had just gotten divorced, she had a three-year-old child in her arms, and she was all depressed. I don’t know why, but they started communicating. Then she came to me for the New Year holidays, we liked each other, everything somehow started by itself. It has always been difficult for me to communicate with girls, but here everything turned out to be easy. Six months later, Elsa came to live with me, and we began raising her daughter, Masha, together. Another six months later we went to the registry office and simply got married, without getting married. Six years have passed since then. My situation is stable, Elsa works at school, we have enough for everything except our own apartment. We are gradually saving, but in reality we save no more than half a million rubles per year. If everything goes according to plan, we will be able to buy our own home in three years. But for the last year, Elsa has been preventing us from achieving this goal, since she demands that we live beyond our means: go on vacation abroad twice a year, buy her a car, and so on. I explain to her that first we need to decide key things, and then live for our own pleasure. She responds by saying that in her previous marriage she did not live, but existed, and now she wants to live her life to the fullest. The main enemy, for her, it turns out, is me. You see, I don’t let her live like all her richer friends. We bickered with her so much, and two months ago she stole half a million rubles from our family nest egg and bought herself a car. I was in shock, I didn’t even know how to behave. Now we have a very formal relationship. We still live together, in the dorm, but we don’t communicate, we don’t have sex. Maria, following her mother, looks at me somehow askance, moves away a little. Honestly, I don't understand what's going on. Elsa says that we need to live separately and demands that I get her a separate room in the dorm. She says that it was I who drove her to such an act with my eternal greed, that she was tired of always living under strain, without a bright tomorrow. But, as it has long been known, “stretch your legs according to your clothes”: if we want to have our own home, we need to tighten up a little. Because of all this, I have completely lost my life plan, I don’t know what to do next. Save your family, give all the money to Elsa and live your whole life in a dorm? Or file for divorce, buy an apartment yourself, then get married next time, as my mother suggests? What do you recommend? Elena, 29 years old, Krasnoyarsk. Mister psychologist, our family is tired of living in debt, but we don’t know what to change in life. I met my husband, Valery, on vacation in China. I was 23 years old, I had just broken up with my boyfriend and was coming to my senses. Valera was 27 years old, he was in China on business for his company. INWe drank coffee at the Beijing airport and then started dating. I have one mother, she is from Irkutsk, poor, Valera’s parents are richer. At first we began to live with them, but I did not have a good relationship with his mother. I suffered for two years, then got ready to leave. Then Valera finally proposed marriage to me, agreed to rent an apartment and move out from his parents. Then he invited me to build my house on the land. I agreed. Then it became clear that we would not be able to rent good housing and build a house at the same time. Valera agreed to live all year round at the dacha of some of his friends who worked under contract in another region. This is how we have been living all these years at the dacha, freezing in the winter and warming up in the summer. But, like in the TV show “Dom-2,” we are building our own house. Two years ago we gave birth to a son, Semyon. Since everything was bad with my husband’s mother, I called my mother from Irkutsk. She sold her one-room apartment there, gave us money so that we could finish building the house faster, she began to live with us, and even though I went to work, I also started earning money. If everything goes well, then in a year our big house will be completely ready. The only problem is that Valera and I no longer want to live together. We are so tired of each other from all these ups and downs of life that we don’t communicate much anymore, we haven’t had sex at all for a year now. This is understandable, because all four of us and our mother live in a one-room dacha. My husband recently started talking about divorce. Just a joke for now, but I’m already ready for it myself. The only problem is, we owe my mom money. To sell a house, you first need to finish it for a year. But the money from its sale is still unlikely to be enough for three one-room apartments, for my husband, me and my child, and my mother. It turns out that it’s better for us to be a family after all, but we no longer have the moral strength to do this... We don’t know what to do, how to live on. Elena, 35 years old, St. Petersburg. Hello Andrei. Help me make a difficult decision. I’ve had trouble with men all my life, either I came across some unlucky ones, or they abandoned me. I got married only at the age of 30, to a work colleague. Igor and I both work at the port. True, before that we were friends for two years. They were also somehow strange friends, they met two or three times a week, but Igor did not want to live together. He said that if there is nowhere to live, then there is no point in getting married. We really had nowhere to live. Then I took everything into my own hands, learned everything about mortgages, found money for a down payment, and negotiated with the bank. Then Igor and I signed our names and took out a mortgage on the apartment. They began to live and live well, but they didn’t manage to make much money, since all the money was spent on mortgage payments. Igor didn’t want to have a child either; he kept saying that we didn’t have the money for it. Then our parents, his and mine, told us that they would support us financially if only we would give birth. So we gave birth to a son, Arseny. Grandparents, great fellows, help us a lot, we even have free time. Only we don’t go out much, because Igor cares about money for everything, he only saves everything for payments. Although, in my opinion, there is, in principle, enough money for a movie once a month and a cafe once a week. After such a life, I really wanted some kind of holiday. For me it was Dima, a guy from the gym where I improved my figure after giving birth. He is younger, although he is already married, but he is moneyed and very cheerful. He and I sometimes began, instead of going to the gym, to ride around the city, take walks, and go to cafes. Of course, there was sex too, but that wasn’t the main thing for me: the main thing was not to count money and not think about payments and a greedy husband. My euphoria with Dima lasted more than a year, then his wife found out, he was forced to leave the hall and end our relationship. My soul felt completely empty, and I didn’t want to go home at all. Now I’m deciding what to do: leave my boring husband, file for divorce and live on for my own sake, or for the sake of the child, continue to live with my husband, but look for another cheerful sponsor, live like some of my friends? What do you think, which option of life is more correct? Just please don't judge me. I'm not at all promiscuous, just at 35 years oldI realized that life was passing, and I still had no happiness in it. So I want to make up for it while men are still interested in me... Varya, 27 years old, Kazan. Andrey, I wrote to you six years ago when I lost my previous relationship. You helped me a lot with your advice then. I hope you can help me now. I have been in a relationship with Salman for five years, three years since we got married. He is two years older than me, works in a car service. I work as a senior cashier in a supermarket. Our problem is that both of us are very unstable with work. Either I am forced to change jobs, or Salman changes car services. We live with Salman’s grandmother, she is kind, we feel good with her. It’s just morally very difficult, when we have no money for two or three months, to live at her expense. Our parents help us very little, because mine doesn’t like the fact that I married a Muslim, and his parents are against the fact that I’m a Christian. This is how we live one day at a time, our future is always unclear to us. We can’t plan anything, we always have no money, we live very boringly and cramped, because my grandmother needs to go to bed at nine o’clock in the evening, and in the morning she gets up at seven and turns on the TV at full volume. Salman and I sometimes quarrel because of all this, we even say that we found each other wrong. Each of us would need to find someone more promising, with more income, or a little smarter in everyday life. In general, we suffer and live poorly. Although there is love, we don’t want to part, but we can’t change anything in life. Tell me how you can improve your family life in conditions like ours, when at times it seems like the whole world is against us! Oleg, 34 years old, Irkutsk. Andrey, my wife left me. We were married for seven years, our daughter is five years old. All these years we had only one problem: I worked on a rotational basis. I am a very good engineer, I have golden hands, but in my city I could not find a decent salary. As a result, I got a job in Yakutia, I earn very well, but I work on a schedule: three months on shift, a month at home. With my income, we renovated her parents’ apartment where we lived. Every year we went to the seaside on vacation and bought a car. But Svetlana was still unhappy that her husband was always away from home. Three years ago, tired of her claims, I gave up my shift and went to work in the city. Only after three paychecks, Sveta was even more dissatisfied. I returned to my shift again and suggested that my wife move to Yakutia so that we could always live there together as a family. She flatly refused. Two months ago, at the end of my regular shift, I received a notification that a trial had already taken place and we were divorced. She did everything quietly, without telling me anything, but I talked to her on the phone every two or three times. When I arrived home, she was already living with some guy. She rarely lets me see the child. Sveta said that she was tired of my work and the fact that I was never able to succeed as a man, provide my family with income without leaving anywhere. Her current husband is another matter: he works in a housing and communal services office as an engineer, has money and is at home all the time. Now I spend the entire month of my leave from duty, walking around their new house, keeping watch whenever I can see the child. I'm sad about all this, because it's unfair. Tell me why everything is like this, is it possible to somehow change this, bring my family back? Irina, 27 years old, Cherepovtsy. Andrey, something wrong is happening to me, and I don’t know how to behave. She got married immediately after graduating from college because she became pregnant. We dated Sergei for less than a year, I didn’t love him, he just always had money, because he was a driving instructor and often spent money after work, teaching rich women how to drive. We got married and started living with my parents. We lived and lived, Sergei also worked, a year later I also went to work in the studio, my great-grandmother looked after Stepan. Five years have passed like one day. Weekends mean shopping at the market, during the week you deny yourself everything, you can’t even afford to buy your son the toy he asks for. The family doesn’t even have a car; Sergei has a company car. Then she sat downSomehow, I thought about it, I became afraid that my whole life would pass like this. Women come to me every day who travel abroad, buy themselves mink coats, go to nightclubs and restaurants, and have wealthy husbands. And I will be sour in my swamp, I will never see anything in it. I cried for two days, then I sewed myself a fashionable skirt, left work early and met a wealthy man. Then there were more acquaintances, restaurants, clubs, saunas. She said that I was late at work, Sergei was always busy with work, he believed me, especially since he began to bring money to the family. But only now, I felt bad, and from such a life, to the point of nausea, to tears. And I don’t want to live like I used to live in a family closet. And I don’t want to be an eternal kept lover. I do not know what to do. I sat down to read books, but I don’t see the answer there either. But I’m not stupid at all, I studied well at school, I wanted to become a great fashion designer. Help me find myself, save my family. Now the dysfunctional family factor called “Long-term domestic and financial instability of the family” has received a clear expression in our country. We see that in this case we are talking about the fact that in the presence of some long-term domestic and financial troubles, one of the spouses runs out of patience, this first leads to a deterioration in family relationships, then to infidelity, and then to divorce If you just ask people on the street about what husbands and wives should do in the situations described in the letters, I am sure that the answers will be very stereotypical. Women will criticize men for everything, who clearly do not work hard, are lazy, and therefore cannot create a serious financial foundation for their wives and children. That is why wives are forced to cheat and even leave such husbands who could not justify the high trust of those who once agreed to marry them and bore them children. Men, on the contrary, will clearly blame immoderate female appetites for everything. They will say that women in general, by their nature, are corrupt people, which is why they spend their whole lives looking for someone to offer themselves richer. Of course, instead of working ourselves. And instead of patiently waiting until their husbands can find their “gold mine” in life, at this time they silently engage in self-restraint, save money, and always want everything at once. Their poor husbands honestly work hard for themselves, but no one appreciates them for this. From the point of view of the average person, both women and men will be right in their own way. And the solution, from the point of view of the average person, will be elementary: men should work more, and women should be a little more patient. So they will have family and everyday happiness. But from the point of view of a family psychologist, everything here is not so simple. Let's start with the fact that in situations similar to those described in letters from readers, the future problem situation was set initially. Girls do not marry oligarchs; their husbands did not have large apartments, expensive cars, huge salaries or high social status at the start of their family relationships. Formally, there is nothing to present to their outwardly “stingy and unlucky” husbands: they are exactly the same as they were at first. (Moreover: judging by the letters, the men are clearly trying to change the life of the family for the better. This is commendable!). And the fact that women considered them more promising than they actually are, or turned out to be a fact of life, is, in fact, a purely women’s problem. The illusions themselves are not to blame for the fact that people have illusions. who create them themselves, instead of achieving success in life through their own efforts. Accordingly, it is possible to criticize men or women from the point of view of their lack of ability to quickly solve the household and financial problems of the family if, at the time of creating a family, they they directly promised and guaranteed to solve all problems and ensure the status of “home is a full thicket” within, say, three to five years. If, however, the husband and wife did not promise each other anything like that, and, on the contrary, they unequivocally hinted that they would have to live not very comfortably for a long time, to endure, then, as they say,bribes from them are smooth. By the way, in the matter of severe family conflicts due to prolonged domestic or financial instability, as a family psychologist, I note an obvious paradox. Given that the standard of living of modern spouses is becoming higher and higher, the number of family conflicts regarding the lack of apartments, cars, dachas, and money is becoming more and more. The reason for this phenomenon is obvious: Due to the presence of television and glossy magazines, an increasing number of modern men and women are trying to imitate the lives of socially more successful people. That is, husbands and wives watch TV series in which the heroes always have large and well-renovated apartments, prestigious cars, funds for travel abroad, dinners at a restaurant. They immediately begin to want to live the same way, not taking into account that, firstly, these are fictional characters, and secondly, the objects of imitation are in life at higher hierarchical levels. So, from the point of view of family psychology, strange situations arise when a wife with a secondary education (for example, a seamstress) leaves her husband with the same secondary education (for example, a driver, mechanic, worker, military man, policeman, etc.), in deep resentment that this husband was not able to buy an apartment, a car, a dacha and provide a vacation in Turkey or Egypt during five to seven years of marriage. The fact that this husband does not drink, does not hit, communicates well with the child, does not cheat, is no longer taken into account! Twenty or thirty years ago, there would have been a queue for such husbands, but now the notorious “promising” ones are already at a premium: businessmen, VIP officials, successful representatives of show business, sports, crime, etc. As a result, situations similar to the famous one arise Pushkin's story about an old man, a grandmother and a goldfish, when from rags you immediately want to become rich. And the fact that a husband or wife does not belong to the class of princes no longer worries anyone. However, this does not mean at all that you need to live by the principle “know that a cricket is its own hearth” and not strive to improve your life! In no case! The specificity of man as a species is the eternal desire to live tomorrow, not like yesterday, and, necessarily, for the better. Therefore, we cannot and should not reproach wives and husbands for dreaming of a better life. We can reproach them only for three aspects of this aspiration and dream: - Firstly, for the deliberately wrong choice of a partner in family relationships. (We demand from a VAZ “six”, “nine” or “ten” the speed of a “Lamborghini” and the comfort of a “Lexus”, but from our wives and husbands we demand the obviously impossible.) – Secondly, in excessive haste, when we We demand that we be provided with everything at once, and in the shortest possible time. – Thirdly, in failure to understand the elementary fact that: The solution to everyday and financial problems of a family is always derived from the educational and career growth of the husband and wife, their willingness to change their lives. Of course, with the absence of painful bad habits among spouses. After all, no matter how much money you pour into the family budget, alcohol, drugs and gambling addiction will suck everything away. And if the first two points have already been said, then I will especially say about the third right now. When couples who are in a pre-divorce state come to the reception due to the fatigue of one of the spouses (or even both partners) from the lack of their own housing, many years of living with parents, in a hostel, with a complaint about the catastrophic lack of funds in the family, eternal savings on everyone, first of all, I find out the educational level and work history of both spouses and their parents. If the facts show that I have chronic C-grade students and dropouts, professional parasites and opportunists, I tell my spouses about this with utmost honesty and assess their chances of a happy marriage as tending to zero. Quite often, this has a sobering effect and still helps to direct the family in the right direction. If the spouses turn out to be, although not academicians, but students with B grades, having a secondary vocational or higher education, if their capabilitiesprofession or the nature of their work experience still allows us to hope for a better life, I immediately ask the spouses about the dynamics of their career growth and possible prospects in the organization or enterprise where they work. Most often it turns out that for one reason or another, either further career growth is impossible or it will not lead to a significant increase in income. Then I suggest considering some other options for your work history, options for changing your job profile, organization, getting a new education (or at least taking some courses) and even starting your own business. Most often, the husband and wife begin to convince me that that they had already thought about everything, considered all the options and even tried something. However, either nothing has worked out for them, or the very circumstances of life tie them hand and foot. For example, they cannot change jobs because they are tied by the hostel to the existing organization. The husband cannot find another job because there is widespread unemployment in the city. The wife cannot go to courses (1C accounting, computer literacy, etc.) because she has no one to leave the child with. For the same reason, she cannot change jobs: at her existing job, everyone is used to letting her go to her often sick baby, and the new job is unlikely to be viewed favorably. Etc. etc. Take my word for it: in more than twenty years of my work, I have heard such a sad list of reasons why spouses are doomed to eke out a miserable existence all their lives and then get divorced thousands of times. But, let me make a reservation right away: I never believed it! I didn’t believe it simply because if you feel sorry for such married couples and nod in agreement with them about how bad everything is for them, this will not improve the situation, but will only make it worse. And such moral support from a family psychologist will only be a “disservice” for them. The situation regarding the fatigue of a husband and wife from long-term unresolved household and financial problems is similar to how a person with many injuries was brought to the surgeon. If the surgeon only supports him morally, appeals to the will of God and the strength of the body, most likely the person will die. If he immediately begins the operation, then, despite all its pain, this person will still have a chance for life. In the work of a family psychologist, the situation is similar: a specialist does not have the moral right to only feel sorry for people in any of the problematic situations, he is obliged to offer the couple a specific algorithm for solving it, to convey to the man and woman the following message: You can change your life only by changing yourself. If you change for the better, life will improve. If you change for the worse, life will worsen. Accordingly, no matter how much husband and wife are not tired of financial and everyday hopelessness, no matter how much they are afraid of trying to change their lives, they have only one way out: try to change their lives anyway, and do it only together! As a practitioner, I clearly understand: Before you demand something from life, you need to demand from yourself! Therefore, having come to the understanding that family life in the material and everyday senses does not suit the spouses at all, their available financial resources are limited, a successful career in the system where they work is doubtful, they Under no circumstances should you panic! Moreover, filing for divorce. It’s just time to answer questions from the following list: Ten questions to mobilize families tired of long-term financial and domestic instability: Are the spouses ready to once again talk about increasing their salaries with management, this time in an ultimatum: if you don’t do this from next month , then I will leave this job. Have the spouses analyzed online vacancies for their usual work, in similar campaigns and organizations in their city, and other regions of Russia? Which spouse is the first to change their job? What other job options are available in this city or town? Did the couple go to the local labor exchange? Were they interested in opportunities to improve their career andfinancial status, what can the state, municipal authorities, private companies offer them? Do the spouses have a desire to create their own business? If so, what type of business activity do they prefer? Do they have the funds necessary to start a business? If not, who can you borrow these funds from, or where can you get a loan? What support opportunities does the business incubator in your city provide? Is appropriate support provided by the employment service in your locality? (By the way, if the family already has adult children, perhaps create conditions for their business success, which, in the future, will have a beneficial effect on their mom and dad? Or cooperate in a family business with someone quite sane relatives? Or, maybe, enter with your money into the business that relatives already have?) Are the spouses ready to go to school (get a secondary vocational or higher education, some courses) in order to improve their career status. Who exactly is ready to do this first: the husband or the wife? If for training, changing jobs or business activities it is necessary to temporarily release the husband and wife from parental responsibilities, is it possible to give the child(ren) to the grandparents for a while? Or, conversely, ask them to stay with the spouses so that they can look after the children while visiting. If there are absolutely no life prospects within the city or town where the spouses live, do the husband and wife have relatives and friends (classmates, classmates) who have settled well in other cities, to whom you can move and ask for help in settling in a new territory? Are the spouses considering the option of moving from the city to the countryside and starting to create a strong farming enterprise? Or, on the contrary, moving from a depressed village, either to more developed rural areas, or to the city. If everything is really bad for the spouses, isn’t it time to radically change their lives? For example, should a husband sign a military contract and serve in a military unit where his family will be provided with an apartment and his wife will be able to find a job? Or enlist to work on a rotational basis, but not with the goal of living in such a schedule for many years, and not rushing to look around and find a good place for yourself somewhere in the North or East of Russia? In the end: A warm place may well be in the Far North. There is also the option of emigrating to warm and inexpensive countries in terms of living standards, such as Thailand, Bulgaria, Moldova. In my practice, I have met couples who temporarily moved from Russia to Ukraine or Belarus. Having sold even their smallest apartments in Russia, people purchased larger housing and solved their everyday problems. Then, abroad they mastered those professions that then helped them return to their homeland. But now as quite successful people. The most important thing is with the complete preservation of the family! Believe me as a serious practitioner: despite all the panic and initially decadent mood, having gone through this list several times a week, discussing its points, setting themselves up accordingly, most of the spouses who turned to me for advice, all -they finally found the strength to get out of the mental crisis and the pre-divorce state. Husbands and wives made some fundamental decisions, found new common life guidelines for themselves, progressively moved in their direction and... came out of the state of life and family impasse in which they had been in recent years. After all, the most important thing is to understand: The dead end of life is not in life at all, but in the head, in the consciousness and thinking of a person! Life itself is always varied and there are many options, there are always side passages and the possibility of unexpected combinations. If you understand this, you will be able to rebuild yourself, your life will definitely improve! Including family! Especially family ones! However, when we talk about getting out of the everyday and financial impasse of family life, we are, in fact, giving practical recommendations. Let's,Let's move on to them. Practical recommendations First. A young family should not rush to have their own home. Over the past decade, an increasing number of married couples have begun to contact me, one of the reasons for conflicts in which should be considered... the rush to build their own home! In itself, the acquisition or construction of a cottage, a real large “family nest” is more than commendable. However, the specificity of Russia is that, unlike most developed countries, maintaining a cottage is very expensive in our country. This is in Europe or the USA, where, firstly, it is always warm, secondly, everything is gasified and electrified, thirdly, the real estate itself is significantly cheaper than in Russia, cottage construction involves an increasing number of young families. The practice of Russia convincingly shows that cottages can only be recommended to the following categories of the population: Very rich people (including single people). Those who can afford not to travel to work in the morning, have maintenance personnel in the house, and generally not count how much it costs to maintain the house. As a rule, such people have even larger apartments in cities, in which they can live, as needed, during the working week. Spouses of retirement age. Those who, after the age of fifty or sixty, dream of a quiet life, greenhouses and a chicken coop, their own bathhouse and barbecue, to which they can invite their grown-up children. Who no longer strive to go to the cinema, cafes and nightclubs. And who, again, have nowhere to rush. Spouses with many children. When there are more than three children in a family (both natural and adopted), the only way to live comfortably is a house on the ground, with its own garden area, where everyone can frolic without destroying furniture and household appliances. Categories of spouses combining the characteristics of the first three groups. This is when people can be both rich and many children, or rich and elderly, or elderly and many children, etc. For all these categories of spouses, a cottage presents more advantages than disadvantages, maybe even only advantages. Now, let's take the average married couple aged 25 to 45 years. Let’s imagine that the spouses are not oligarchs, they work every day, and they have minor children. The worst option is if the spouses are entangled in loans. The best one is if there are no loans. However, in any case, with limited funds, lack of housekeepers, the need to constantly solve various economic problems, take children to kindergartens, schools and development centers every day, when the family is remote from relatives, friends, shops and leisure centers, after a year or two of life in the cottage, after a certain number of complaints to each other, the relationship between husband and wife will naturally begin to deteriorate. As a result, there will be a home on earth, but no family happiness. It is important to understand here: A house on earth is not at all a guarantee of family happiness. Family happiness can also be found in an apartment. If only the husband and wife loved and appreciated each other. That is why, in general, having a positive attitude towards life outside the city, in your own home, in the harsh conditions of Russia, especially its northern and eastern parts, I strongly advise all spouses with low or medium income to move to cottages only when they are well over forty. Then the likelihood of your family happiness will be noticeably higher. Building a cottage and then getting a divorce is not the best idea. In any case, it seems so to me. Second. Find an opportunity to live an interesting life with a mortgage. Since we have already raised the notorious housing topic, we will continue it. One of the main modern ways of purchasing your own home is a mortgage. I have a great attitude towards mortgages. However, I would like to draw your attention to the following unpleasant nuance: If, having taken out a mortgage, the spouses cannot calculate their funds in such a way as to provide themselves with interesting leisure and a good vacation, the purchased apartment will not give them happiness, but a divorce. This is because the majority of spouses who have taken out a mortgage, rushing fasterrepay the loan, they do not leave any free funds for family leisure and cultural programs. As a result of this, within two or three years after the successful purchase of a home, tired of the lack of going to the movies and cafes, denying themselves the gym and swimming pool, buying fashionable clothes and vacations, many husbands and wives find themselves easy prey for those “third wheels” , who has free money for beautiful gestures. To prevent such a sad scenario when the apartment, in the end, will either go to only one of the spouses (under the terms of the divorce), or to no one at all (it will be sold, or the bank will take it for itself) , if you have a mortgage, you should be guided by only five simple rules: Five principles of saving a family with a mortgage: If you are experiencing a shortage of funds when paying off your mortgage, it is more correct not to strive to pay off debts to the bank in an accelerated manner, but to pay, even longer, but always have there is money in the family for interesting leisure activities. With any payment schedules, spouses are required to save money all year for a full-fledged vacation (it is best to go somewhere to get rid of family monotony). With any payment schedules, spouses are required to update their wardrobe in order to look no worse than those around you. (This is especially important for women! Therefore, dear husbands, don’t huddle!). With a strict mortgage payment schedule, spouses are not recommended to communicate closely with couples who live much richer than them: in this case, envy and thoughts may arise that “the family was created with the wrong person with whom it would be right,” hence the cooling of relationships, infidelity and divorce. With a strict schedule of mortgage payments, both spouses are advised not so much to infringe on themselves in spending and saving, but rather to try to change jobs and start earning more .Believe me: I am not dissuading you from getting a mortgage at all! I just want to mitigate its negative side effects on family life! Third. Consider all options for purchasing your own home. Since it is the lack of their own housing that has a particularly depressing effect on married couples, all the efforts of the couple should be devoted to resolving this issue. In this regard, I personally am always surprised by married couples who, while living with their parents, or even in a hostel, nevertheless buy expensive, prestigious cars. Moreover, often, to both husband and wife at once. And, often, on credit. Believe me, as a practitioner of family psychology: An expensive car in a family that does not have its own home is almost always a guarantee of cooling off in a couple, betrayal and divorce. All this is simply because human psychology is structured in such a way that he always strives to be in that place , where he feels more socially comfortable. If a husband or wife does not have an apartment, but does have an expensive car, then these men and women will strive... to spend as much time as possible in it: travel somewhere, show it off to everyone around them, communicate with people of similar class and cost of the car. Of course, sympathy will be shown towards such people, who are perceived as more successful. Your own family “half,” in this case, will only lose and cause irritation by its inability to improve life in the shortest possible time. Sexual attraction in a married couple will disappear, but the pull to the “left” will increase. I think you understand how it all ends. Of course, by cheating. Therefore, if your married couple has not yet resolved the housing issue, do not create additional problems for yourself by purchasing expensive cars. First, start your own family home, and then risk it! While looking for opportunities to purchase your own home, I also strongly advise you not to be afraid of the real estate market. If the spouses can figure out how everything works in it and are not afraid to make numerous transactions, you can be sure: with the correct sequence of multi-step actions, even the most shabby hotel can be exchanged for a two-room apartment, almost in the center, in a year or twocities. Moreover, practically without additional payments. Simply by carefully studying supply and demand. The same can be said about related exchange. Of course, bothering moms and dads by asking them to exchange their homes for the benefit of their children is not entirely correct. However, again, if you approach this procedure wisely, it is quite possible to achieve results that will satisfy all parties. In any case, I see examples of such successful operations among my clients quite often. I sincerely advise you to do the same. Fourth. When saving money or earning little, devote more time to common family leisure. Almost every week I have to communicate with married couples, the main reason for the deterioration of relationships in which should be considered not fatigue from everyday and financial problems, but... the minimum amount of time spent together. For example: The husband gets up at 7 o’clock in the morning and goes to work. Comes home at 20 o'clock. He has dinner, comes to his senses for an hour, then falls asleep. It’s good if you have time to communicate with the child. There is practically no intimate life in the family. Mutual assistance, intimacy and communication are postponed until the weekend. If friends invited you to football (fishing, to the garage), or the whole family needs to work at the dacha, in general, the whole weekend is down the drain. And the wife’s patience is not ironclad! Or here’s another thing: The wife works from 9 to 18 o’clock, but the husband works the night shift. Or a day - in three. The question is: when will they have intimacy, communication and mutual assistance? Of course, the result is the same as the example above. Another option: The husband works from 9 to 18, but the wife is always on business trips, internships and advanced training. If the husband works in this mode, changing the terms does not change the sum. Cheating and divorce are just around the corner. If so, I’ll say it straight: Creating a family requires a radical revision of the work schedule of both spouses in the direction of increasing the time they spend together. Hence, the author’s pun: Where spouses do not have enough time for each other, cooling off, infidelity and divorce are a matter of time... Therefore, I recommend to all young and not so young spouses, five principles that I came to in the process of working with conflicting couples: Five principles for preserving a family with a complex life and work schedule of spouses: If a large amount of work or frequent business trips is an important condition for developing a career or receiving the necessary amount money to purchase an apartment or a car, the second spouse must clearly understand how long such a strict life schedule will last (six months, a year, two, etc.). After achieving the required result, the life and work schedule should be immediately changed in the direction of increasing the amount of time allocated to the family. If a large amount of work or frequent business trips is an important condition for developing a career or obtaining the necessary amount of money to purchase an apartment or car, the second spouse should receive clear material dividends from this situation: eat well and dress well. If a large amount of work or frequent business trips is an important condition for developing a career or obtaining the necessary amount of money to purchase an apartment or car, all the couple’s free time should be devoted to personal communication with each other with a friend and child(ren), intimacy, mutual assistance, cultural program. Any separate hobbies and spending time apart should be completely excluded. Partners are required to be together all their free time. Including having an extensive cultural program, with minimal alcohol consumption. If a large amount of work or frequent business trips is an important condition for developing a career or obtaining the necessary amount of money to purchase an apartment or car, both partners should build their lives so transparently that they Both of them were completely excluded from any suspicion of betrayal in relation to each other, jealousy was kept to a minimum. Accordingly, serious attention should be given to quality family intimacy in this couple. If the short time the spouses spend with each other is not so much related to a large amount of work, or):+7-902-990-5168, +7-913-520 -001, +7-926-633-5200.