Many of us try to save others from problems they have created. We take on their responsibilities and overexert ourselves. When this behavior becomes a habit, it can lead to a repeating cycle of being rescued, feeling taken advantage of, and then being resentful. In most cases, the person we rescued is able to solve their own problems and even may resent our “help.” Rescuer, caregiver, helper: all of these words mean basically the same thing in the context of a relationship that is harmful to both parties involved. Every time we take responsibility for another adult, we run the risk of allowing that person to continue their bad habits or bad decisions. This is a destructive form of helping. Most people who rescue or help others don't even realize what they are doing. They may believe that they are simply being kind or that they have no choice but to solve problems created by others. There are many ways in which people act as caregivers to others. Here are some of them: Agreeing to do something we don't want. Taking on someone else's responsibility without even asking. Trying to make everyone else feel good about themselves. Speaking for someone else who is capable of speaking for themselves. Taking on the consequences of someone else's problem. Solving someone else's problem. Trying to save someone from their own bad habits by being their caregiver. Not asking for what we need or want. The rescuer becomes the victim and then the persecutor. Many rescuers know about the common feelings of disappointment, resentment, or that someone is taking advantage of them. In order to solve another person's problem, we end up ignoring our own needs or obligations to ourselves. This creates resentment towards the person we were trying to save. Very often the result is not what was expected. Not getting the outcome we want can cause us to switch to a new mindset: We are now the victim. We give our time and effort to improve the situation for someone, but they don’t appreciate it, don’t change their habits for us, and sometimes even get angry with us. Our need to feel needed was satisfied for a short time, and then we were left in the dust. But we were just trying to help, right? Then we feel angry because our needs weren't met. Our anger may manifest itself as a withdrawn mood, passive aggression, or a critical outburst. We have abandoned the roles of savior and victim and have now become the persecutor. This anger may be directed at them, such as: “I did this for you; what are you doing for me? Or: “You’re still acting the same.” We lose sight of the fact that they never asked us to help them. When no one actually asked for salvation The act of rescue in this context also leads to resentment on the part of the person who was "helped" because we assume that the person needs our "help" and act as if he is incapable of solving his own problems. Helping them may satisfy our need to feel needed, but it sends a message to them that they are not capable of being responsible for themselves. No one wants to feel inadequate or helpless. Sometimes our efforts may be successful in solving a problem, but more often than not we still cause resentment in the person being “helped.” This resentment can be directed at us verbally, expressed through passive-aggressive behavior, or simply cause the same problem to arise over and over again. The situation becomes a lose-lose situation. This is detrimental to ourselves and to the person we are supposedly helping. This dynamic has been called the "Karpman Drama Triangle" after the work of Stephen Karpman decades ago. This is explained by Melody Beatty in her bestselling books No Codependency and The New Codependency. Much of Beatty's original book deals with the behavior of substance dependent people and those living with/