A lot has been written about unrequited love, some consider it a disease, some consider it a gift from God. Let's understand from a psychological point of view where the tendency towards “unhappy” relationships comes from and how to deal with it. Many are convinced that love cannot be analyzed, and if you have already fallen in love, there is nothing you can do about it - suffer, don’t sleep at night, even if the object of your adoration is absolutely cold. But this is a big misconception! If you want to be happy and loved, give up this thought right away! How do we fall in love? From a wide circle of acquaintances, we subconsciously choose those who have the traits of the people who raised us in childhood. We find people in whose company we can play the same roles that we played in childhood. And if there was no healthy and fulfilling relationship between mom and dad, it is very difficult to build one in your life. Benjamin Spock assures: “Children from 3 to 6 years old create a romantic ideal in the “image and likeness” of their parents. Subsequent relationships are unconsciously determined by this standard.” Our brain stores all the information about our parents: the sounds of their voice, the degree of their care for us when we cried, the color of their face at the moment of anger, their smile in moments of happiness, posture, gait, character traits, talents and interests. Our brain recorded all the important moments of life associated with them. When we meet people, we unconsciously read a huge amount of information from them. And when we encounter an object that resembles a “standard,” our subconscious arouses instant interest in it. It would seem, what's wrong with that? This “ideal” does not allow us to be flexible and choose our own lover. And if, after all, the “love scenario” that we imprinted in childhood was not successful, then our subconscious will push us towards precisely those people who are not able to reciprocate. And now the most important question. If you are unrequitedly in love, you have been abandoned, or you have realized that the person next to you does not love you, but only uses you, what should you do? Step 1. Let your emotions burn out, let off steam. How many feelings are boiling in the soul of an unhappy lover? And resentment, and anger, and self-pity, and guilt, and fear! And also the dependence on the object of sighs and on the strong emotions associated with it does not give peace. The so-called “adrenaline melancholy”. At the moment of falling in love, there are huge releases of hormones into the blood, and if this continues for a long time, a dependence on them can form. Adrenaline addiction is a scientifically proven fact. That is why “the soul hurts and the heart cries.” With such a “hellish mixture” of feelings inside, is it possible to reason rationally? Therefore, allow yourself to let off steam, live through all the negative feelings. But keep in mind, anger “burns out” quickly, but self-pity, guilt, and resentment drag you into the swamp. Therefore, try to create anger in yourself towards the object. Talk to your friend, scream, cry, kick the pillow, write him an angry letter and tear it up, etc. Only with the object itself - no contact. Do not delay this period for more than 3 days, otherwise you will be exhausted and risk falling into the pool of these negative feelings. At some point, fatigue and relaxation will set in and you will feel better. Then just move on to step 2. Step 2. Analyze the situation soberly. Form new beliefs. Now you need to find the reason for your unhappy love so that you never repeat it again. Be honest with yourself, even if the reason doesn’t seem worthy to you. Of course, it is more pleasant to engage in self-exaltation: “my feelings are high, noble, selfless, etc.” But this drags you even further into the realm of delusion. The true reasons are often not so beautiful. Here are the possible sources of unhappy love. Find which reason is yours. There was no mutual love between the parents. One loved, and the other took advantage of this love. You are used to living in this atmosphere of “mismatch.” Your subconscious doesn't believe that love can be mutual. Your parents didn't give you enough love. You lived in an atmosphere of constant demands, strictness,rigidity. In your heart, you don’t believe that you can be loved. You don’t know how to love yourself. You believe that a person should appear who will make you happy. You are hungry for love. And instead of giving love to the person you like, you demand it from him, beg for it in order to fill your vacuum. And who will like it? You want to get him (her) out of principle. This is done to prove to yourself and others your worth. But the object of passion senses this and avoids you. This option is a consequence of an inferiority complex. You want to “bask” in the warmth of his soul. There are people who radiate so much love, joy, optimism, and confidence that many people fall in love with them. Such pure and bright energy attracts people, causing them euphoria: “I finally met Her (Him).” But this person does not need you, but someone else. You have set the bar too high. By nature, we have the desire to choose a person “better” than ourselves (appearance, intelligence, talents, etc.) in order to improve the genetics of the next generations. This is especially pronounced in women. But for the possession of such an object we have to pay something, sometimes too dearly. And the object itself looks towards the “best”. You want to satisfy your passion for possession, control, guardianship, or sacrifice. All these passions are formed in childhood, and when you meet an object who is ready to obey (or subjugate), be controlled (or controlling), take care of (or be looked after), worship you (or demand sacrifice from you), you immediately “melt” . A few days later you say: “I can only be happy with him (her).” If the person still stays with you, this is a variant of an unhappy, neurotic relationship. You are afraid of loneliness. Having made a choice once, you are afraid of breaking up, even if the relationship has died. Your self-esteem is too low, and you are constantly overwhelmed by thoughts: “Who needs me now?”, “How will I live without him?” “It’s all over in my life.” You deceive yourself, trying to return the object of your love, telling yourself that “he still loves me, but in his own way.” This dependence is mainly characteristic of women. You have a “benefit” from unhappy love. This secondary benefit can be the desire to receive pity, sympathy, and the opportunity to suffer to your heart’s content, and creative enthusiasm (it’s not for nothing that many lovers write poetry). Or maybe subconsciously you are afraid of real life, so you build “castles in the air” for yourself? Or don’t you want to change yourself, develop and grow personally (after all, “there will be no other love, life is over”)? The “benefits” of unrequited love may seem absurd to you, but for the subconscious it’s normal. Have you analyzed it? And if you were honest with yourself, you found not one, but two or more reasons. What to do next? One wise man said: “Once you know yourself, you will not remain who you are.” You had the courage to look your problem straight in the eye. Sometimes this is enough to say goodbye to her forever. Specially formed new beliefs will enhance the effect. First, write down all the limiting thoughts and beliefs that haunt you. For example: “He will still be mine,” “Nobody needs me anymore,” “I can only be happy with him,” “He is the most beautiful and wonderful,” “I can’t live without him,” etc. They can be characteristic of any of 9 reasons. And replace them with positive thoughts that give you the freedom to live on: “I will be happy in any development of events”, “I am attractive, feminine, etc., and I will definitely meet my soul mate”, “There are many beautiful and wonderful men in the world” , “I know how to live joyfully and happily.” Write them down. In these statements, do not use the prefix not, and ignore your object of affection. Repeat your new beliefs several times a day - heartfelt, from the heart, and soon your mood will begin to change! If you find a secondary benefit, give it up, or try to get what your subconscious desires (creativity, sympathy, etc.) in another way. Step 3 may31609292