From the author: The article was written for the site The idea of ​​writing this article arose after a conversation with a friend who did not know how to behave with a relative whose son had died: “Six months have passed since the funeral. I think about her and her deceased son every day. I really want to go to her and provide support, but I don’t. I feel guilty, but I can't go. I don’t know what to tell her.” Because of my profession, working with people who have suffered a loss, I often hear complaints from them that friends and acquaintances no longer come or call. This makes the loneliness feel even more acute. I have to explain to them that often people avoid contact not because they don’t want to communicate, but they simply don’t know how to help and are afraid to face the feelings of the grieving person. But close people can also provide support to the grieving person without resorting to help from specialists. Correctly provided help can prevent a number of consequences that can develop in a person who has experienced grief. The basic principle of a psychologist’s work is “Do no harm!” also works in relationships with grieving loved ones. Before providing psychological assistance to another, you need to adequately assess your condition: do you have enough internal resources to help? How do you feel? Do you know what to do? Will your actions aggravate the state of grief? If the answer to all these questions is affirmative, then there is an opportunity to be useful in helping your loved one by following certain recommendations. Stage of shock and denial Shock can manifest itself as stupor. A person in this state reacts poorly to stimuli, is self-absorbed, and communicates little. This can last from several hours to several days. Actions you can take: Be nearby, stroke your hand, hug, - maintain tactile contact Unobtrusively return to reality: tell something, ask about some organizational issues, about external reality Try talk about the loss, about the deceased. May manifest as motor agitation. A person loses the ability to think logically and make decisions. At the same time, he develops excessive, poorly controlled motor activity. The person begins to make aimless and meaningless movements and actions, speech activity increases, while the ability to reason and establish complex connections between phenomena is impaired. Actions that you can take: Try not to argue, do not ask questions, do not restrain his need for action. Calm the person and give him a feeling of security. It is recommended to speak to him in a calm voice, using affirmative sentences, and not to ignore his fears of loneliness, helplessness, fear of death, the future, etc. Remember: both stupor and motor agitation are protective reactions of the psyche to conserve the energy a person needs to contact the outside world and grief. Denial In a situation where you are faced with the behavior of a grieving person, similar to delusions or hallucinations, do not rush to urgently call an emergency psychiatric team . Observe the change in the behavior of the grieving person over time. Delusion is characterized by false, distorted, completely illogical ideas or conclusions, the fallacy of which a person cannot be dissuaded. Hallucinations usually in such states manifest themselves in the fact that a person experiences a feeling of the presence of a deceased person, hears his voice, sees him, talks with the deceased. The psyche actively does not accept what happened. At the first stage, emotional shock is accompanied by an attempt to deny the reality of the situation, and therefore the person tries to hide from reality into a fictional world, illusions, fantasies, which can provoke the appearance of delusions and hallucinations under these conditions. If you see such manifestations, do not be alarmed, but observe for some time (several days, weeks). If the situation does not improve, and delusions and hallucinations remain in the grieving person, then seek special help.help. Actions you can take: If the grieving person claims, contrary to obvious facts, that the deceased is alive, do not actively object, but do not agree either. This is his psychological defense of denying the loss. Answer evasively: “Everything happens,” “I hope so too.” The same reaction should occur in cases where the grieving person seems to doubt the fact of the death of a loved one. Give the grieving person an assignment that he can handle in his current state. This will allow the grieving person to gain additional self-confidence, and, accordingly, self-control. If you have a real opportunity for this, then tell the grieving person that you will not abandon him, but will look after him throughout the period of acute grief. Stage of acute feelings (anger, aggression, frustration, fear, resentment, annoyance, etc.) Despite Despite the fact that a person comes into this world and leaves this world alone, when we are born, we are at first very dependent on others. The child cannot yet take care of himself. He needs food, warmth, protection, shelter, love. Feelings of attachment and loss are primal and instinctive. Attachment and then separation causes unrelenting pain - in both people and animals. Feelings Anger can be directed at oneself, at the deceased, at other people and even at God, at things that cannot be changed. As a person grows up, he only learns separate and be independent. The baby cries bitterly, experiencing separation from his mother. Small children do the same. But if parents forbid showing their emotions, then a so-called “ban on feelings” is formed, which prohibits living your feelings and accepting the feelings of other people even in grief. Actions that you can take when faced with an acute manifestation of feelings in a grieving person: Let the grieving person speak out . Listen carefully, pay attention to the feelings and thoughts of the grieving person. Repeat the statements “yes”, “I agree”, “I remember”, “Yeah”, and nod your head more often. Draw the grieving person’s attention to those words that have a positive connotation. Do not interrupt, and if possible do not change the topic of conversation. Let the grieving person react to his feelings, allow him to cry, in some cases this should even be encouraged. Do not say to the grieving person: “I understand you well,” “This will pass for you,” “There will be a holiday on our street.” Each grief is individual, and another person can never accurately feel and understand the state of another, and also cannot know what will happen in the future. When being with a grieving person, watch the intonation and content of speech. People who are grieving may have their own way of perceiving and interpreting words spoken in their presence. It is very important to avoid comments that may offend the grieving person, and to avoid jokes that may not be understood. A conversation with a grieving person should be very tactful. Expressions of feelings may be accompanied by hysterics. It manifests itself in excessive excitement, increased gesticulation, rapid emotional speech, turning into screaming and sobbing. Actions that you can take when faced with a hysterical reaction in a grieving person: Remove spectators, especially children. If there is no danger of the use of physical force by a person in hysterics, it is better to remain alone with him. Perform an unexpected action that can greatly surprise and stun a person, for example, pour cold water on him, drop an object, or shout sharply. Speak to the person in a commanding voice, using short phrases (“Drink water!”, “Sit down!”, “Wash yourself!”) Usually, after a hysteria, a person has a breakdown, so if possible, put him to sleep. When helping a person in hysterics, you must be very attentive and good at calculating the situation. The fact is that in some cases it is not always possible to distinguish hysteria from motor excitement (and other similar conditions). And if you incorrectly assess the situation and, accordingly, behave incorrectly, you may not improve the situation, but, on the contrary, aggravate it. Therefore, if you are not completely sure that the person is having hysteria and not another condition,then it is not recommended to perform the above actions. Fear is a mental state of anticipation of danger, in which real danger comes from an external object, and neurotic danger comes from an imaginary one. The intensity of fear lies in a very wide range: anxiety, apprehension, fear, fear, horror. Externally, fear manifests itself in a strong heartbeat, rapid shallow breathing, muscle tension, and decreased control over one’s own behavior. Panic fear can manifest itself in an urge to flee, cause numbness or, conversely, agitation, aggressive behavior. Actions that you can take when faced with a manifestation of fear in a grieving person: Take the grieving person’s hand and place it on your wrist so that he can feel your calm pulse . Don't do this unless you feel calm and confident. Your state should signal: “I am here, you are not alone, there is no danger.” Breathe deeply and evenly. Try to help the grieving person breathe in the same rhythm as you. This can be achieved by first adjusting to his rapid breathing, and then gradually slowing down the rhythm, making your breathing deeper with each breath. Listen to the grieving person, avoiding ignoring the significance of fear, do not use the phrases: “Nonsense, everything will work out, you have nothing to fear,” in such a state a person is not able to think critically. Express understanding, sympathy, talk about what the griever is afraid of. Stage of guilt and obsessions (bargaining stage) At this stage, the griever struggles to find meaning in what happened. He negotiates with himself, trying to find the culprits. Often it seems to him that he himself is the cause of what happened. “If only I then...” - this is how the grieving person’s phrases begin at this stage. Actions you can take: Listen carefully to the grieving person’s story. He has a need to tell it again and again. It is strictly not recommended to give value judgments to the grieving person: “What a horror!” “Who did he leave you with?” “Poor things!”, “Where is the justice?”, “Why did he go? If I hadn’t gone, I would have remained alive.” Watch your speech extremely carefully, so that the grieving person does not misjudge your statements, so that they do not make him feel guilty. Encourage the desire of the grieving person to help others, seeing the meaning in this Stage of depression (detachment, alienation) Apathy - the person looks very tired, he does not want to speak or move. There is a feeling of spiritual emptiness, thoughts are inhibited, the perception of sounds is as if through cotton wool, there is no strength to express feelings. Words and movements come with great difficulty. If a person remains in this state for a long time, there is a danger of developing depression. The state of apathy can last from several hours to several weeks, it manifests itself in an indifferent attitude towards the world around you, sluggish and inhibited reactions to what is happening, speech becomes slow, interrupted by long pauses. Actions that you can take when faced with apathy: Talk to the person. Start the conversation with simple questions that require a clear answer: “How are you feeling?”, “Are you hungry?”, “Are you thirsty?”, “Aren’t you cold?” Avoid questions that require choice, for example: “Should I pour you some tea or juice?” “Are you going to eat now or later?” In a state of apathy, a person is simply unable to understand what others are asking him about, much less make a choice. Organize a place for the person to relax, in which manifestations of the outside world will be minimal, try to help him get comfortable. The room should be warm and ventilated; do not turn on the radio or TV. Create light physical contact with the person. Hold his hand or lightly support his elbow, place your hand on his shoulder or forehead. Give the person the opportunity to sleep or just lie down. If time allows, stay nearby so that the person feels that there is someone to take care of him. If there is no opportunity to rest, for example, you see that your colleague is in a state of apathy at work, talk to him more, involve him in any simple (2002)