Counterdependence is the same psychological disorder as codependency, the causes of which are the incompleteness of the separation process or a violation of attachment in early childhood. The counterdependent in childhood was constantly faced with an explicit or implicit violation of his boundaries, double messages. Subsequently, out of fear of being absorbed or not understanding how to behave with a loved one, how to react to his actions, what to expect, the counterdependent chooses a distancing strategy. The counterdependent, just like the codependent, is afraid of being abandoned. The difference is that the codependent reacts to the fear of abandonment by “sticking”, and the counterdependent by avoidance. Clients with counterdependent behavior who were raised either by overprotective but formal parents or in an environment of violence and emotional deprivation come for consultation. It is very difficult for them to create and maintain trusting relationships, understand and express feelings, emotions due to the underdevelopment of this skill or shame. The counterdependent has difficulty defending his boundaries. He is convinced that in a close relationship he will lose his freedom, his “I”, so he constantly builds “walls” between himself and his partner. “Walls” from emotional closeness, trust, completely not letting you into your inner world and into your life. For example, bdsm practices serve as a form of dissociative defense; it is no coincidence that they are called role-playing games, because it is just playing out roles without full-fledged emotional contact , as well as interaction with fetish objects. Sexaholism and workaholism are the same fetish that the counteraddict turns to as a surrogate for secure attachment. Once in childhood, the counteraddict learned to compensate for the lack of healthy emotional contact with his parents with food, entertainment, masturbation, hard study and other available means. In adulthood, the list of “distracting procedures” includes sex, alcohol, drugs and other “holisms” and “manias”. The counterdependent has difficulty recognizing his feelings and needs, without developing the proper self-reflection skills, he is not able to feel an increase in anxiety, and then associate this stimulus with the usual subsequent compulsive behaviors actions. Thus, one client, only after keeping a diary of observations of his condition for a week, was able to trace the cause-and-effect relationship, which consisted in the fact that when anxiety rose, he always went to a nightclub and met girls. Girls, sex, alcohol acted as a substitute for ordinary human warmth and support. I often notice heightened counter-dependent behavior, bordering on self-destruction, in lonely people or people in unsatisfactory relationships. And this is natural - prolonged loneliness, as well as interpersonal conflicts, lead to an increase in anxiety, and anxiety leads to increased defensive reactions and obsessive states, compulsions in the form of overeating, perversions, promiscuous relationships, abuse of substances, work, etc. Interpersonal relationships deteriorate largely due to impaired communication, when people are not ready to accept each other's differences, directly voice their needs, and resort to manipulation. Often, counterdependent behavior goes hand in hand with narcissism, if the person is assertive, or with avoidant/dependent disorder, if self-esteem is low. To solve the problem of addictions, a person needs to overcome the fear of intimacy, work through his projections, traumatic experiences of the past, learn coping behavior, replace painful reactions to stress with productive ones, acquire skills to behave in conflict, and develop empathy for others. There is a long, painstaking path to go through. Dear readers, if you are interested in this topic, the book by B. Weinhold and J. Weinhold “Escape from Intimacy” provides a detailed description of working with counter-dependency. You can also sign up for a consultation with me via Skype, Viber or What's App by number: +7 919 324 7526.