This question seems to me very important today, when boundaries in relations with children are revised by almost every family. Today, children are raised differently than they were 10, 20, and even more so 30 years ago. The rules change, the attitude towards the personality of another person and towards oneself changes, upbringing changes. It is easy to see that in the past, parenting often seriously violated the personal boundaries of children. They were shamed, they were blamed, they were made to feel bad and sometimes even worthless. They were encouraged not to think about themselves and to neglect their desires for the sake of duty. Today's parents remember this difficult experience very well. And they draw conclusions. As a rule, they decide that they will not raise their children this way. Children's personal boundaries must be respected! In order to understand how boundaries are set in relationships with a child today, I would like to share my observations. I increasingly notice a paradoxical situation in raising children. On the one hand, modern parents greatly value the freedom, personality and opinion of their child (at least the ones I meet in my office). This is a fact - without irony or guile. On the other hand, very often these same parents allow their children not to respect and value their own freedom, personality and opinion. Much of what adults do not allow themselves in relation to other adults, they allow in communication with their own child. Parents who contact me notice with embarrassment that their children speak to them in a dismissive tone, often lead them away from the topic of conversation, bargain or even ignore their words. Parents of the youngest children say that their kids do not they turn to them, do not look them in the face, but simply push them or lead them, like an object, behind them. Children interrupt their parents during an important business conversation or meeting. They run toys over the hands and sometimes the face of their parents, often despite comments addressed to them. And responsibilities in general become a matter of constant and sometimes humiliating begging of the child. I tried to compare this relationship between parents and their child and with other adults. This is what happened. Situation 1. The child ignores... When an adult calls another by name, he naturally expects that he will respond in response. If the second one does not do this (except for good reasons - he is busy with something important, he did not hear, he is carried away), then, willy-nilly, the impression of disrespect towards oneself arises. If a man or woman is ignored by a partner in a marriage, then he or she demands attention to himself or, at least, an explanation for the inattention. In short, adults usually do not allow themselves to be ignored by another adult. And this is a natural assertion of one’s boundaries, a demand for self-respect. When parents call the child – sometimes several times – and he ignores them, the situation is perceived completely differently. Parents do not always defend their right to be heard and often allow their children to ignore themselves. Parents of both small children and parents of five-, eight-, ten-year-olds talk about a similar problem... What conclusion can a child draw when parents allow even their most important words to be ignored? I imagine that a child might decide: “You don’t have to react to what another person says, even if it’s your parent.” “Parents’ words aren’t that important.” “People close to you can be ignored, and their words can be ignored. This is normal. ", etc. Do such situations develop in a child respect for mom or dad, for their words, and especially for their requests? Situation 2. A child pushes an adult like an object... When a stranger taps on the shoulder or talks without looking into the eyes, we often experience an unpleasant sensation. When in transport, instead of asking us in words to hand over the fare, we are pushed in the back, this also causes discomfort - it is unpleasant to experience being treated as an object or function. After all, this is a violation of personal boundaries. Whena child comes and, without looking his parents in the eyes, without calling them “mom” or “dad” and without paying attention to whether they are busy with something or not, literally drags them somewhere, this is perceived differently. Parents often do not see this as signs of disrespect for themselves, although they feel discomfort. They obediently follow their child and satisfy his silent request. To do this, the child often does not even have to speak, but can simply hum or point a finger at the object of desire (we are talking about children who already know how to speak). What conclusion can a child draw from these situations? “My requests are fulfilled without words.” It doesn’t matter what my parents are doing, I can get what I want at any time.” To get what you want, you just need to “wave your hand” or whine. Does this build respect for mom or dad? Does it encourage In these situations, communicate with mom or dad in human language, and not treat them as an object. Situation 3. The child interrupts and interferes... When we are having a business conversation, and someone interrupts, demanding to resolve their issue, we quickly and clearly? We react to such a violation of our boundaries. This is done very simply. We say: “Wait, I’m busy” or: “We’ll talk later.” When a child does this, the internal discomfort is “eaten up”, because “it’s a child,” and “he’s a child.” It’s not my fault that I’m busy.” Parents often do not restore their boundaries and allow themselves to be interrupted. They put things off and start taking care of the child, even if the baby does not need something urgently and only needs to be patient for a few minutes. What is the conclusion from such situations. can a child do?” You can always contact your parents.” “Their affairs and needs are unimportant.” “My affairs and needs are always important.” Or: “my worries are more important than theirs.” Does this build respect for mom or dad as people who may have their own adult affairs, who must decide many important issues for the benefit of the whole family? Situation 4. Familiar tone And, finally, when another person addresses an adult in a familiar, dismissive tone, we stop this instantly, ending the conversation or demanding that the conversation be conducted in a more respectful manner. If a small child says, for example, to dad: “Well, where have you taken me? or: “How much longer do I have to wait?” or: “Well, you don’t understand!”, this is perceived as a cute childish prank. Parents shrug and say, “Well, she’s just like an adult,” and allow the conversation to continue in the same tone. The child extends the same tone to other older or status people - grandparents, educators, teachers. What conclusion can the child draw from these situations? Perhaps, “It’s normal to talk to your parents, to your elders, to everyone.” “It’s cute, sometimes funny. It’s adult.” Or: “You can talk to everyone as equals. This is normal.” Do such situations build respect for parents who are older both in experience and in age? Do such situations help a child understand the difference between children and adults? Situation 5. Children do not know their responsibilities... And there is only one example with responsibilities. When we live in the same house with someone, we expect them to clean up after themselves or at least carry out hygiene procedures on their own. If this does not happen, we are amazed: why should someone else do this for you? When a child does not put away his toys, does not fold laundry, or demands to be fed after a year, this is perceived condescendingly: after all, he is still small. Of course, it is very important to take into account age in the development of a child’s independence. However, if this behavior continues up to two, three, five years, then...What conclusion can the child draw? “There are no responsibilities. Everything I do, I don’t have to do.” “All these things are optional.” “It all depends on how you agree with your parents. Or on whether you want it or not. Or on whether will they give me a good reward in return - a fairy tale, a cartoon or a gift..." And once during a consultation, when I asked my family about