Often during a crisis in family relationships, one of the spouses, usually the wife, in the hope of changing the situation initiates contacting a psychologist for family therapy. In the vast majority of cases, this does not bear fruit. Why? I would like to answer this question from the position of not only a practicing psychologist, but also a lawyer with extensive experience as a lawyer, including in divorce proceedings. Firstly, the second spouse usually refuses to visit a psychologist under one of the typical pretexts: “ I have no problems”, “I don’t believe in your psychologists”, “Will someone tell me how to live?”, “I’m my own best psychologist.” On the one hand, he can really think so, on the other hand, not everyone can open themselves to a stranger, especially in the presence of their spouse. There are also those who believe that they perfectly understand the reasons for the current situation in the family, but do not want to change anything or do not consider it possible. Secondly, how to help a married couple if one of the spouses came for a consultation with a psychologist only because that he was forced to do this? In the best case, he will be able to hear new things about his spouse, himself, or their relationship, thanks to the psychologist’s questions and the need to listen. Often relationships are so traumatic that keeping the family together can lead to tragedy, including with children. But the question of divorce may not arise at the same time - only about preserving the family, improving relationships, “correcting the spouse.” A psychologist should not take on such responsibility. Not all families need to be helped to save, even if one spouse desperately wants it. We need to look for the reason why a person is willing to endure, risking his life and the lives of his children. Why does he feed on emotions of reproaches, aggression, including passive? Why is he not “drawn to the shore”? Many women are dominated by the fear of becoming divorced, especially with children, the fear of loneliness, and shame, which keep them in a toxic relationship for years. Result: the children for whom the marriage was preserved are unhappy; time steals the remnants of possible prospects for a happy life; health is rapidly deteriorating. As one of my clients sadly said: “Against the backdrop of many years of suffering, my mother became seriously ill, died deeply unhappy, internally lonely, but with a stamp in her passport - albeit formally, but a respectable woman, as she believed.” What to do? Family therapy helps spouses, in my opinion, in two cases: In the family there is love and a mutual desire to return harmony and joy to the relationship; both spouses are ready to make every effort for this; The spouses are divorcing, and the psychologist helps to make this as painless as possible for the children and the spouses themselves, including coming to an agreement/compromise on how property will be divided, how communication with children will take place, etc. .d.In the second case, the question may arise: “Isn’t this the job of lawyers?” Of course, this is the work of lawyers, but it is technical and legal. It should also be taken into account that the lawyer represents only one of the parties and acts in its interests, even if his goal is to resolve all issues pre-trial. He acts in the interests of the spouse who contacted him and paid for his services. A psychologist in family therapy acts in the interests of each family member and the family as a whole, especially taking care of minimizing psychological trauma and helping to overcome existing ones. This is a big difference. Of course, in this type of therapy, the psychologist must have a legal education and relevant professional experience. There are examples in world practice where psychologists can undergo special training specifically in the field of divorce proceedings, become certified and provide family psychological and legal counseling to divorcing couples. Very few people imagine how difficult, long, painful and expensive the divorce process is, how much it traumatizes children, how much spouses lose by going to court, instead of giving up part of their material wealth, preserving as much as possible.quiet life. This also prevents you from turning over the old page of life and starting a new, happy one. For years, ex-spouses have been stuck in old, already dead relationships, losing all chances for new ones. If new relationships arise, they usually cannot withstand the burden of the old ones and also collapse. There are many nuances to such consultation and finding compromises: division of property; place of residence of children; their communication with the second parent, including the opportunity to go on vacation with him or her; communication with grandparents; participation in paying for education, treatment and other things in addition to alimony obligations. The following questions are also important: “What if the ex-spouse starts a new family?”, “If one of the spouses has a desire to emigrate?” etc. By the way, men who do not consider it a man’s business to “go to psychologists” are more loyal to their services in this particular direction - they don’t want to keep them in the family, they don’t want to “correct” them - they want to help them with minimal with losses, get out of the marriage, maintaining normal human relations with your ex-wife, and find a comfortable option for further communication with children without conflicts and courts. Of course, both spouses must make concessions. And this is the result of more than one consultation. Both need to think through all the proposed options, come to the understanding that by taking a step back, the result will be two steps forward to a happy life. In other cases, I offer individual therapy for the spouse who applied or both, if one of them did not come to their own conclusions. will. In individual therapy, the emphasis is on the difficulties in the person’s life; the issue of family may not even be touched upon at all - he may be concerned about completely different issues. It is their resolution that can help save the family, if possible. Or he will come to the understanding that this is impossible for various reasons, but there will be reserves for creating other relationships that can be happy. Or maybe this person doesn’t really need a family - this is an attitude imposed on him, and his happiness lies elsewhere. Sometimes it’s hard to accept, but it’s so important to get rid of the burden of problems and find your way without losing good contact with children and ex-spouses. I remember one comment: “He was a bad husband, but he became the best ex-husband.” Any problems in interpersonal relationships are a projection of one’s attitude towards oneself and one’s life. A person tends to transfer all internal conflicts to the person with whom he lives. If the client wants to save the marriage, despite the unbearability of the life that he has, if he wants to change what is impossible, especially if his spouse does not share his desires, the psychologist helps him to answer the question: “Why does he continue to live without receiving joy from life, being sure that the cause of all misfortunes is his spouse, his behavior?” The psychologist helps him get rid of neurosis, which does not allow him to break the circle of suffering, resentment and pain. Getting rid of neurosis also eliminates interest in neurotic relationships. Therefore, the most effective option for overcoming a family crisis, returning to a healthy atmosphere and good relationships, if possible, in my opinion, is individual therapy. Family therapy for spouses who want to work to overcome the crisis is also fruitful, but it does not have such a deep and lasting effect, since often the internal problem of the spouse remains unresolved in this form of therapy. And subsequently it can produce new fruits that are destructive for the family. This is why I always offer individual therapy to spouses. Remember that it is only in childhood that we are objectively dependent. In adult life there is always a way out, even if it promises a lot of losses in the near future. It's important to look a little further. There is nothing more important than your health and the health of your children! This is what you are responsible for and what is really within your power! Thank you for your attention! Share your thoughts in the comments. You can schedule a consultation with me through the link below. I will be glad to help you too! Latu Marianna, psychologist, candidate.