From the author: This is the first article in a series dedicated to intimate phobia. It reveals the concept of intimate phobia, describes the behavioral manifestation of fear of intimacy and the mechanisms of their formation. Since I address this article to a wide range of readers, I consider it important to separate the two concepts - “fear” and “phobia”. Fear is an internal state caused by threatening real or perceived negative consequences. Fear is a normal defensive reaction of the human psyche, which aims to warn him from danger and protect him from negative consequences. A phobia is a mental disorder in which certain situations or objects cause such strong fear and anxiety that they block a person’s activities in one way or another related to this situation or object. The situations and objects themselves are not conditionally dangerous, but are perceived by humans as dangerous. Now we can define the concepts associated with fear of intimacy in relationships with members of the opposite sex. Intimophobia is a painful human condition that manifests itself through fear of long-term and trusting relationships with a partner, fear of deep contacts, emotional connections with a partner, trusting relationships with him and/or sexual intimacy. True intimophobia manifests itself as a fear of intimacy at the level of phobia, i.e. a person’s actions are completely blocked; the blocking can only be removed within the framework of psychotherapy. False intimophobia manifests itself as a fear of intimacy at the level of fear, i.e. a person’s actions are blocked temporarily, the blocking can be removed by the intimophobe himself in the process of working on himself. External behavioral manifestation of intimophobia It is quite difficult to identify intimophobia by external behavioral signs. And, first of all, because in order to identify patterns of fear of intimacy in communicating with an intimate phobe, you need to get closer to him at the distance that he considers dangerous, and face his characteristic response. False and true intimophobes most often lead an active social life. However, these connections are very superficial. Intimophobes actively communicate on social networks, thematic forums, can be members of various public organizations, and take an active civic position. They usually have many friends of both the same and the opposite sex, quickly adapt to a new team, and know how to find a common language with people. They easily make new contacts and just as easily abandon old ones. A wide social environment compensates them for the lack of close and deep communication, and also acts as a form of protection against the possibility of immersion in connections, since communicating with numerous people takes a lot of time. They simply don’t have time left for a close relationship with someone. Intimophobes may have one or more regular sexual partners, or change them almost randomly. Intimophobes constantly need strong emotions. Intimophobes do everything to alienate a person who claims to have something more serious than superficial communication. However, all these are only external manifestations. In fact, false intimophobes experience fear, while true ones experience panicky fear of getting closer to their partner. At the epicenter of their fear are their own feelings, emotions, experiences, sensations. In other words, they are afraid not of their partner, but of themselves, their feelings, emotions, experiences, sensations that intimophobes themselves have in relation to their partner. Intimophobes, instead of joy from getting closer to their partner, experience an increase in anxiety and fear. Fear of intimacy forces men and women to consciously limit themselves on the path of building deep relationships and entering into sexual relationships. Intimophobes tend to sublimate intimate relationships with other areas of life (work, hobbies). Some intimophobes have another psychological problem - sexual aversion - aversion to a sexual partner. Aversion can arise both after the first contact and developgradually. False intimophobes have difficulty, but are still able, under certain conditions, to deepen relationships with someone from the opposite sex. The process of rapprochement can go through several stages of distancing and rapprochement and last for a long time (up to several years). At each of the next stages, the relationship will either deepen or, conversely, move away. Every time a partner approaches a “dangerous” distance to an intimate phobe, he provokes a conflict with his partner and moves him to a safe distance. If they do get married, they still try to keep their distance. Such families usually quickly break up because the intimate phobe avoids deepening the relationship. True intimate phobes, as soon as deeper relationships are discussed, immediately distance themselves from the person, and, if nothing prevents this, they can completely break off contact with him. There are several types of intimate phobia. For each of them, the pattern of behavior is detailed depending on the focus of the phobia. In general, the pattern of true intimaphobes looks like this: - intimaphobe gets close to a partner to the “border of comfort” - a limit perceived as safe and comfortable, and maintains a relationship with him within this “border” - when the partner tries to cross the “border”, intimaphobe either provokes conflict situation to increase the distance, or points the partner to the “border”, demands compliance with it and steps back somewhat from the “border”, or breaks off relations with the partner - if the partner does not attempt to get closer, does not apply pressure, after some time the intimate phobe returns the relationship to the “border of comfort”. For a true intimophobe, this “border” is unshakable. Only a qualified psychologist, sexologist, or psychotherapist can move it or completely eliminate it. The general pattern of a false intimophobe differs from that described above in that the “border” can be violated from time to time by the intimophobe himself. He, on his own initiative, can go beyond the “border of comfort”, and if his fears are not confirmed, he moves the “border”, slightly reducing the distance with his partner. The transfer of the “border” closer to the partner can be repeated many times until the fear in relation to this partner disappears. However, if moving the border confirms his fears, the intimate phobe may move it far back. Just as for a true intimophobe, the most effective will, of course, be the help of the same specialists. At the same time, a false intimate phobe can overcome his fear on his own, as well as with the help of a patient and understanding partner. Mechanisms of formation of intimophobia In ontogenesis, intimophobia can form in early childhood, adolescence, adolescence and adulthood. There are several mechanisms for the formation of intimophobia. Schizotic The style of parental education leads to the development and consolidation of schizoid traits (withdrawal, introversion, immersion in one’s inner world due to increased sensitivity (sensitivity, impressionability) and, accordingly, vulnerability). This style is characterized by over-control on the part of parents, excessive criticism, and overprotection. The child feels such manifestations of parental love and care as too invasive, suffocating, and destroying his personality. To maintain the integrity of his “I,” the child gets used to withdrawing into himself and maintains an avoidant pattern of behavior into adulthood. A schizothymic person tries to protect himself from unauthorized intrusions from other people and avoids building close relationships. Any emotional intimacy is regarded as “intimacy with the absorbing parent” and is suppressed. At the same time, a schizothymic person may desire intimacy and suffer from loneliness. However, the fear of intimacy overcomes the fear of separation. The situation is aggravated by increased sensitivity and lack of psychological defenses characteristic of other people. Narcissistic Narcissism is manifested in a person’s presentation of himself to others in a distorted, inaccurate way.corresponding to the true image. The purpose of such a substitution of the image is the search for external approval, admiration, sympathy, acceptance, love. At the same time, any imaginary or real shortcomings are carefully hidden. The narcissistic personality considers his true self unattractive to others. Getting closer to a partner is perceived as a threat of exposure and inevitable rejection. Therefore, narcissistic people try to keep a safe distance that allows them to maintain the illusion of the created image. Narcissistic traits can develop in childhood as a result of parenting style. Parents give the child a destructive attitude to be not as he is, but as they want him to be. The child’s conformity to this image is encouraged by the parents, while non-conformity is obstructed. As a result, the child develops the opinion that, as he is, he cannot arouse love. To receive love, you need to meet the expectations of others. As a result, the child develops an idealized “I-concept” and rejects his true “I”. A negative assessment of one’s personality persists into adulthood. A narcissistic attitude can also form in adulthood, when a person has a desire to be an object of sympathy and recognition, but as he really is, he does not evoke sympathy. TraumaticThe reason for the formation of fear of intimacy can be traumatic events from the past. Such experiences may be associated with situations of rejection, betrayal, betrayal, emotional or physical abuse, abuse of trust, the passing of a loved one, etc. Having experienced stress in such a situation, a person begins to imagine being in it again. In this regard, he tries to avoid getting into it again. He develops the attitude that keeping his distance from a person with whom he can again experience the same pain as before is much safer. Projection In contrast to one’s own traumatic experience, intimophobia can be formed as a projection of someone else’s negative experience onto oneself. For example, these could be failures in the personal, family, and sexual lives of friends, acquaintances or close people. A person can project onto himself the plot of a film, book, historical character, etc. Often the source of projection can be the behavior of the mother or father, their attitude towards partners, towards each other, failures in family and intimate life. A child, observing the behavior of his father or mother, listening to their complaints, begins to experience fear of the opposite sex, does not trust anyone and is afraid of becoming dependent. Growing up, he projects the fate of his parent onto himself and prefers to avoid serious relationships. Introjective Intimophobia can form as a result of taking certain prohibitions and attitudes on faith. The only way for every person to socialize is to learn the rules of communication in the environment in which he grows, develops, or finds himself in adulthood. Parental messages are the earliest introject that a child assimilates without critical reflection. And this blocks his access to his “I”, “I want”, “like”, behavior is subject to accepted rules. Introjects can originate from theological concepts if a person becomes deeply religious. Thus, fearing to break taboos, rules, restrictions received from the outside and accepted as their own, the intimate phobe consciously seeks to avoid situations in which these taboos can be broken. Reflexive Unlike the narcissistic mechanism, with the reflexive mechanism a person has an adequate idea of ​​himself, but does not try to present himself to others in some other image. However, he believes that for objective or subjective reasons, such as he is, he can only evoke sympathy when communicating at a certain distance. When getting closer to a partner and getting into a situation with him in which certain personality traits or other circumstances of his life are revealed, intimophobes experience.